Great Blogspectations

Bucket List cont'd 2

2011-11-26T22:56:00.000-08:00

15) Do the Grouse Grind.
16) Depending on how the initial Grouse Grind Goes (alliteration, baby!), try to do it again, faster.
17) Own a little dog and dress it in little pink outfits. TOTALLY KIDDING!!! Just seeing if anyone really pays attention to this. Although I do think Chihuahuas can be cute. Just not in pink outfits.
18) Stop posting dumb blog entries separated by months. Heh.

What's The Technical Term for This?

2011-11-26T22:52:00.000-08:00

So I have things I've done that I never wrote down on a bucket list. So what do you call a list of things you've done that could be crossed off a bucket list but weren't there to begin with? This is hurting my head.

Completion List

1) Ran a marathon about 10 years ago.
2) Been to a lot of countries.
3) Been to one MLB game. (Sorry fans of baseball, didn't even last the whole game)
4) Ran a half-marathon this year.

My Favourite Nickname

2011-11-26T22:47:00.000-08:00

Best nickname to date: "Lawfirm" for Benjarvus Green Ellis (I'm sure there is at least one hyphen in there but as I've already misspelled a Super Bowl winning QB's name on this blog I might as well continue the trend).

Bucket List cont'd

2011-02-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

13) If I were really rich, I'd love to own a racehorse. Doesn't have to be a Derby winner, but decent at least. Lotta heart. So imagine my joy when I came across a "Racehorse Name Generator" at http://generatorland.com/glgenerator.aspx?id=87 How about Flummoxed Dusty Rabscallion...how cool is that!!! I'm a little worried they didn't do their homework though, I thought there was a limit to the length of registered thoroughbred names...maybe 17 characters or something? I just looked it up at the Jockey Club, 18 max. Darn you Generator Land, my dreams are foiled!

14) Have I talked (blogged) about this before?? I feel like I have. But I can't seem to find a record of it. Anyhow, I would like to do a TV show where I interview "regular" (non-celeb) people. It may sound boring, but I think it could be really interesting. I might have to find a really good host or co-host or something though. Someone in addition to me who could ask or come up with scintillating questions. George Strombolopolous (sorry if I spelled that wrong) comes to mind. Oh, I looked that up too. It is wrong... Stroumboulopoulos according to twitter.

Band Names

2011-02-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

So you know how people say we're all here for a reason/we all have some kind of gift or talent? I'm not ever very sure that I've found mine, but one curious thing that I find I have an affinity for is coming up with weird band names. I wish I'd kept track of some of these over the years (uh, hello, use your blog) but unfortunately easy come, easy go. However, I thought I'd share one recent co-creation that was inspired by a game of charades and SNL's Jeopardy parody. So in the charades, the word was "Psychology" and the guesses had kind of stalled at "Psycho G". As one of the partygoers has the nickname "G", it took awhile before someone put the pieces together and got "Psychology" rather than Psycho G. But then, this reminded some of us of the Sean Connery character Jeopardy parody on SNL, in which he picks the category "Therapists" as "The Rapists". Perhaps I should have thought a little longer before speaking, but I said to the group, "hey, how about that as a band name, Psycho G and The Rapists?!" I do recall there may have been a gasp or two and some other assorted reactions. I didn't mean to make light of rapists or raping, of course. I just pictured a poster with "Psycho G and Therapists" and the real in the know fans of the band would pronounce it as the rapists while others would wonder if there shouldn't be a "the" in front of therapists.

And today, there was an incident (more to follow in another entry perhaps) that I called "The Waffle Explosion" and then thought, hey, another possible band name. Can you picture the poster? I'm seeing it as done by a talented and funky graphic artist, with text something along the lines of... "Psycho G & Therapists (The Rapists??) with special guests The Waffle Explosion. Tickets $15 at the door".

I will conclude by noting a real band name that I think is very clever. Canada's The Tragically Hip. Good stuff. And while I'm giving shout-outs (oh, did I just say that, I did a half cringe/half throw up in your mouth - shout out??? really??? gag) I would be remiss to not mention Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Perhaps not totally appropriate band name for this particular post, but hey, I like their CD and I saw them in concert and it was good. (I guess music reviewer is definitely not my talent - can you imagine? "Saw Pink last night. She sang. It was cool." or "Lollapalooza this year, a lot of bands, some good, some not so good, a few awful.") Okay, I said I was concluding but then I decided to throw in one more thing... Not sure how "true" this is but I heard that The Talking Heads were going through some sort of battle over use of the name after the group was splitting up and so the one faction called their album "No Talking, Just Head". That cracks me up.

Congrats to NFL Champions Green Bay Packers!

2011-02-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

Aaron Rogers & Aaron Rodgers, this one is for you.
I recalled I said I would be more timely in congratulating AR if Green Bay won the Superbowl - and look, it happened - I'll have to be careful what I put out to the universe.

A Beef

2010-10-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

This is pretty random... but I just have to say that it irks me when people refer to the Super Bowl winning team as "world champions". Perhaps some U.S. readers can enlighten me, but to me this seems like such a classic example of why people think of America in a negative light at times. WORLD champions???? I thought the NFL consisted purely of U.S. teams. They don't even play CFL teams or anything. And even then it would perhaps merit "N.American champions".

And I'll throw in a related Canadian beef... to British Columbia for coming up with the slogan "The Best Place on Earth" (it used to be "Beautiful B.C."). It's a lovely part of the world, but the BEST place on earth? The "world champion" of earth? I don't think so. And it's way too cocky. Must've hired the same people who came up with the Super Bowl winners being world champs to come up with that slogan ;)

Bucket List

2010-10-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd just start writing down things I'd love to do ("someday") in no particular order.

1) Go to a hockey game at the home rink of every NHL team.
2) I've never been to an NFL game, but on TV the Patriots' stadium looks cool, like to go there. And I guess I should add Dallas's, seeing as it's so new and big. And historic Lambeau Field.
3) Hang out with Ron MacLean. (Why are these all about sports?? I have no idea)
4) If we're talking pretty out there, having a miniature horse that hung out in the house (it would be house trained etc). Maybe we'd watch TV together.
5) When I was younger I really wanted to work in a florist shop. I think I still wouldn't mind trying that for a bit.
6) I'd love to have a big room in my house that was filled with books and had comfy chairs/lounges to sit in - maybe with a coffee/tea station in it with a huge selection of beverages.
7) Attend the Kentucky Derby.
8) Wear a cool/funky/ridiculous hat to the Kentucky Derby.
9) Drink a mint julep at the Kentucky Derby.
10) I've always had this weird (?) hankering to hang out with Jimmy Buffet.
11) Cute orange bunnies. Lots of them. Hopping around.
12) See the Tour de France live (in person).

To be continued...

Clip Your String Chatty Cathy

2010-09-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

I stole (borrowed really...see if that keeps the cuffs off me) the title from Grosse Pointe Blank. And to top it off, I'm stealing (ahem, free advertising really) this question from Excalibur Hotel in Las Vegas who posted the following on Facebook (man, by naming facebook am I violating some trademark rule?? 2 sentences into a blog and I've got more misdemeanours than ____ [insert joke here]??) Here goes...
"If you were one of those dolls that you pull the string in their back and they say a certain phrase(s), what would you say?"

Well.... ?

Not Hating the Officiating

2010-09-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

I was amused during the Dallas Cowboys game today when the official had to stop part way into the penalty call because it was so complicated but at least he was having a little fun with it. Good for you buddy, keep it light. I'm not sure what the rules are for the officiating team, but I would have loved it if he turned on his mic for take 2 and said, "ok, let's try this again...". To push it even more, I'm sure they'll joke about, "ok, let's just say some guy on the offense got a holding call, some guy on the defense got unneccessary roughness, those offset, there was some other call, suffice it to say the ball will be on the X yard line, 1st down Dallas."

Oh, and boy do I love it when the offense gets into rhythm with the skip button on my pvr. Makes it seem like they're moving up the field SO efficiently! Of course sometimes QB's like Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are just too quick for me to use the skip, that's cool too.

On a related note, holy *&^#, it's been nearly A YEAR since I posted?! And the last post was about football too. Huh.

P.S. Speaking of sports, a VERY late congrats to the Chicago Blackhawks for winning the Stanley Cup.

Football Forwarding Finesse - Follow Up

2009-11-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

So for some reason I only got a few minutes of the "Brett Favre returns to Lambeau" game. I noticed it later on the NFL network. (As an aside, the NFL network is free, NHL network one has to pay extra for - what's with that? Fine, I'm a huge hockey fan but I'm gonna watch even more football now, so there). So anyhoo, I guess this show on the NFL network is a special replay version of noteworthy games. They skip over a lot of plays so the whole show is only 90 minutes. It's pretty cool. What I didn't like, though, was that they told the outcome of the game in the preshow commentary. Thanks a lot. I mean really, even if you watched the game they're about to show at some point, do you really want to hear the outcome right before you commence re-watching? (Rhetorical question). What was interesting was the post-game commentary that was interspersed on particularly noteworthy plays. A nice package. And who doesn't like a nice package...

You Know The Economy's Bad When...

2009-10-30T20:53:00.001-07:00

So I see this furniture commercial that begins with voiceover and giant red titles,
"Big Chest Sale!"
Of course I can't help but picture large breasted women getting deals. And others, "sorry M'am, you don't qualify".
What can I say... my mind...

I Have Some Funny Friends

2009-10-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

So I sometimes go to this yoga class. I don't love the instructor (she's "ok") but the class time/location is convenient. So I have two friends who rarely go but do so once in awhile so they know the class/instructor. For some unknown reason, the instructor always seems to pick on Friend 1 when they attend. So one day the three of us (me & the two friends) are all hanging out and myself and Friend 1 are telling Friend 2 about how the instructor picks on Friend 1. One of the really annoying things about the instructor is that she will say things to Friend 1 like, "wow, you are REALLY tight" (when clearly it's not that they're tight but just that they aren't understanding the pose). So Friend 3 (female in case it matters) says in response, "just say to her (the instructor), 'what, you jealous?'"

Can you picture it?...
"Wow, you are REALLY tight!"
"Jealous?"

That totally cracked me up.

Football Forwarding Finesse

2009-10-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm no football expert but I get the basics. On a Sunday I often put the games on to record and that way I can skip through commercials. If there are a lot of games on t.v. that I'm interested in, or if I'm just short on time or interest, I'll often watch the plays of the game without much of the commentary and so forth. The skip button on the dvr does about 30 seconds and if I can get into a good rhythm (me and the quarterback, you know how it is) I can get the timing going so well that I literally see everyone set up on the line of scrimmage, watch the play, hit skip, and see the next set up on the line of scrimmage. That's when my equivalent of the passer rating goes way up and I get a real feeling of satisfaction. When I lose the rhythm or something throws it off, I sometimes see a guy running into the end zone and have to use the back button to see the beginning of the play and as I know what happens, it kind of ruins it. It's kind of like getting sacked.

Running While Ironing

2009-08-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

...actually, it's running & irony

So recently at one of the spots that I go running at there was an attack made on a woman. A man, exposing his "kibbles & bits" area, touched this woman and when she ran away he chased her and tried to remove her top/groped her. There is some suspicion that this man may have exposed himself to woman earlier in the year at other locations. If so, the level of intensity is increasing. If not, it's still freaky.
Recently, there was an article in the paper written by another female walker/runner who said it's not safe to run alone in the park area where this attack happened. She went on to say that it's not a big deal to be restricted in this way as a woman as that's just life. I disagree as my running experience is now marred and I do think that I should be able to run alone (at 'normal' times of the day) in this public location without fearing for my safety unduly. I do sometimes run with others, but we aren't all at the same pace and I like just being able to go when I want and not be restricted by others schedules etc. Now when I'm running there, I'm on full alert the whole time (which is very draining - it's hard enough to run without having to constantly look out for danger). The irony part comes as I encounter others on the trail. There's sort of one main circular route with other tributaries but as you're running the circular route you can expect other people running/walking in each direction. So sometime people pass you going the other way, pass you from behind, or you pass them. I noticed that now when I see a person(s) ahead, it's part relief (if any spooky guy with bad intentions attacks me now, someone else is nearby, phew) and part fear (what if this is the spooky person with bad intentions). I found this very odd and it got me to thinking about how others are both a source of security but also of danger.

One of my other running friends (female) feels like if she got groped, she'd get over it, but is running by oneself worth the chance of something more traumatizing happening. I pretty much agreed with that. I'm stuck between not wanting to be an idiot taking risks, and not wanting to have to live in fear and restrictions because the odd person out there has some serious issues that present a danger to others.

In light of the title, maybe I should run with an iron. Strength workout and cardio in one! And if I encounter the 'bad guy', I can throw in some MMA too! But anyone who knows me knows I don't iron so I guess that's out.

And sorry for this in advance guys, I'm not usually so vicious, but I hope that guy approaches the 'wrong woman' out there and she grabs him by the kiwis and twists them like she's wringing out the laundry. Okay, that was probably too harsh. I hope the guy (and lots of others like him) turn himself in and get sex offender treatment? Probably the whole kiwi thing would just make the situation worse.

This whole thing reminds me of a bumper sticker, "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." I don't have a dog, but some people really make it hard to like people.

Tour de France - Prologue

2009-07-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you may recall an earlier series of posts around Le Tour. Last year I didn't watch, and this year I had planned to, then heard about Lance Armstrong returning, then got really busy and promptly practically forgot most of that until right as the Tour was starting. So I turn on my DVR today to watch the broadcast of the start of the race. Don't mock me (or go ahead, I don't care anymore) but even watching the beginning of the broadcast with the voice over laying out the scene got me super pumped. And finding out that Lance Armstrong is back again after a huge layoff (by finding out I mean seeing him actually there, ready to start, as just because he announced he would however many months ago wouldn't mean he would, any number of injuries or whatever could've changed that) adds some more intrigue. It was cool to also see a lot of familiar names (I only cycling event I watch is Le Tour and even then it's a recent thing although I did watch DVD's of many of the late 90's/earlier 2000's races). I didn't mean to watch the whole stage in one sitting, but I did, although I managed not to watch the next broadcast right afterwards. P.S. DVR's rock!

Breaking News Alert: There is a God!....

2009-07-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

...or a higher power, creator.... whatever name you wish to use is fine here at Great Blogspectations. So how is it that we have come to this conclusion? Rather hastily as many conclusions are come to? Yes. And is the title a bit sensationalized? Yes. "There is" implies proof, and, as we all know, the almighty church of science tells us that there is never proof, only support for a hypothesis. So here's the support...

I'm at the grocery store, getting a bunch of stuff, finally feeling a bit more inspired around food after a long drought (hmmm, more "proof" perhaps? sounds biblical, doubt, drought...). As I'm unloading my wares onto the conveyor belt, I remember that the kitchen garbage bag supply is dwindling and that I probably should have picked up another box (for the bathrooms and such I just reuse plastic grocery bags - somehow, despite the fact that I pretty much use reusable cloth type bags 100% of the time, this supply never seems to dwindle). I hesitate, figure 'nah, never mind' and just then I hear (from another till, "...and you'll recieve this box of biodegradeable garbage bags for spending more than $60....") and I know that I will have easily surpassed the $60 mark. Sure enough, I get the free garbage bags (only a box of 10, but still). When I arrive home, I check the sizing against the old box of bags and sure enough, almost exactly the same size! Conclusion: Woohoo! (There is a god).

Signs For Sick Minds

2009-05-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

As you near the parking lot entrance for a place I run at regularly, there is a sign similar to the above. I don't notice it so much anymore, but for awhile every time I saw it I would snicker and make pelvic thrust motions to indicate a "speed hump". Yes, I have the mind of a 14 year old boy. No, that's not fair, I apologize to the 14 year old boys of the world.

Clean Sheet (Of Ice), Dirty Minds, Part II

2009-05-10T22:42:00.001-07:00

So periodically you may have noticed I snicker (juvenile-ly ... that's a word, right ;) at some of the commentary during hockey games. The other night I found another to add to my previous snickers. "He just needs to get it deep and get off." Heh heh heh. Not quite as bad as a 2007 post where I quoted Healy on Fleury with the "spends half the night on his knees, half on his back" comment, but still.

Another fairly recent one that got me chuckling was when I was watching a broadcast and they mentioned hockey players need to be careful nowadays because everything is recorded. They then mentioned Vancouver Canucks players Kesler & Burrows learned this after some of their comments made it to YouTube. Of course I had to go check that out. Vancouver was playing St. Louis at the time and they were talking to David Backes. There was some comment about "saying hi to Kelly" and "Kelly being a nice girl" (I suspected and later confirmed that this was Backes' wife/girlfriend). Now normally I would probably think that was a bit low, but seeing as they didn't say (or at least not that I know about) anything too rude, it was kind of funny. But another piece of that segment on YouTube was the comment "give yer balls a tug!". I don't even know who said that, but it cracked me up. Since then, I've thrown it into casual conversation a couple of times. One such time a female friend and I texted a mutual friend with "we're about to have a beaver fight, so give yer balls a tug and get over here" (don't ask - it's not quite as bad as it might sound). I think my mind needs a Zamboni, sheesh.

We Gather Here Today...

2009-04-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm at this staff training type of thing the other day. They decide to open with a prayer of some kind. So everyone is asked to join hands as someone speaks on the kind of day we want to have and all that. Now, anyone who knows me knows this isn't really my kind of thing. But I can be respectful, and once in awhile if I'm feeling particularly open-minded I might even get something out of something like this. But mostly I just picture some alternate version of myself along with some friends, all snickering at what has become of me that I'd be taking part in these kinds of things. But anyway...
So at this event, during this 'prayer', the person speaking says something about being 'thankful for all the beautiful staff'...and I can't help but instantly think, "and for the ugly ones too". At least I managed not to laugh. At least I hope the grin I felt was an inward one. I guess this explains why I'd never be the one speaking at something like this...I'd probably say outloud "and for the ugly ones too" and while some might get the humour, I'd imagine others would not take it so well. Hence I've used a healthier (we're talking a spectrum here) Freudian defense mechanism and sublimated that urge into blogville.

Bus(ted)

2009-04-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm driving to work the other day and as I'm turning right there's a school bus turning left onto the road I'm turning off of. (I just ended a sentence with a proposition, I think I need to go back to school). So you need to know that I'm not really a kid person and I'm one of those people who wants to gag when someone says something along the lines of, "I hope you have a peaceful, joyful day full of growth". So I don't know what had gotten into me, perhaps there was a ray of sunshine that morning after a long, snowy winter that caused some strange reaction in me, but, at any rate, I found myself looking at the little kids in the bus with their shining, excited faces and for a moment I felt this lovely feeling, this "awww...." and then (screeching tires sound) I see the one little kid with his shining face is giving another kid (waiting for the bus) the finger. Then I chortle and shake my head. When I told the story at work that day, people had a good laugh. I'm not sure it translates to the blog, but let's hope.

Dixie Chicks Debaucle Documentary

2009-03-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago I was recommended to watch "Shut Up and Sing", a documentary about the Dixie Chicks and the incident around comments made about then president GW Bush.
Sure, I recalled vaguely that the band had made some comment - in my memory it was at some sort of award show (turns out that wasn't the case).
I eventually ended up seeing the documentary (and saw it a 2nd time a few months ago) and learned a bit more about the 2003 incident and (more importantly) the events that came afterwards.
I don't want to spoil it, so I won't say much, but a couple of years afterwards, the group put out an album called "Taking the Long Way" that references some of those events. After having seen the documentary, the lyrics in "Not Ready to Make Nice" are pretty powerful. And on a music note, the whole album is quite good, particularly so a few songs.

Superbowl XLIII

2009-02-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

So I'm watching the Super Bowl and they show a shot of the people involved with the team up above the field (owners and such). The commentator says what I hear as "he's just standing there, jacking off". This of course causes me to do a double take and to wonder what on earth is going on. Then everyone else figures out why I have such a strange look on my face while I, concurrently, realize what I actually heard ("...jacket off"). We all chortled.

You know, this was funnier in person. Really, I swear.

I Can't Believe It's Not B...logged

2009-01-20T20:31:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe that I haven't blogged about this before. But if I have, I don't see it here. Allow me to rant a bit about Starbucks. Specifically their sizes. Tall, Grande, Venti. I think I got that right. Can someone please tell me what the &*%! is with that?!? Venti, no idea what that means. But I'm unsure why it's bigger than a Grande. But my biggest beef is why Tall is actually the small. From now on if anyone calls me short I'm going to have a fit and insist that I'm tall.
Getting back to Starbucks though, sometimes I'll just say 'small' or 'medium' or 'large' - my favourite complaint is when the clerk (barista, puh-lease) repeats it back to me with the Starbucks size substituted in. Actually, my absolute favorite (should I say my Venti favourite?) is when they pretend like they don't know what I mean and try to get me to ask for the size using their pretentious designations.
I remember in a movie once they were talking about how those type of coffee places give people in our modern times a sense of identity. I'm afraid that may be very true. Awhile back I was with a friend of mine at her workplace and a coworker asked us to pick her up a tea from Starbucks while we were out. She then told my friend she'd write it down. I was thinking, man, how could we not remember what kind of tea she wants?!? Then she writes it down, holy crap!!! It took about a minute to say it! Something along the lines of a green tea, half skim/half cream, low foam, with soy, yada yada yada. Dang.

Hockey Player Names

2009-01-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

So everytime I see Goc (San Jose) - or I should say hear him in the play by play, I find myself thinking about how I dislike his name (no offense Mr. Goc ;) ) It sounds to me like a combination between crotch and gaunch. Bleh.
I had a boyfriend once who wasn't into hockey but would sometime see some when I was watching. He got a real kick out of some of the names. Please tell me I'm not turning into him. I can remember him guffawing heartily over Tugnutt. And Pitlick. Although I have to admit, Pitlick is a pretty funny name.
This isn't really about a name (although most people seem to pronounce it "Clod" - I thought the proper pronounciation was Clooowd) but Claude Lemieux back?! Man, I always disliked him.
Ah, that reminds me, I was quite disappointed to find out I wasn't unique in yelling out Pickles! everytime they announce Vlasic or Soup! (Soupy) with Campbell.

The Long and The Short of It

2008-11-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

So again from the recent trip...

Who ever thought I'd be writing about fashion at this blog but there were a couple observations I made while away that I thought I'd comment on. It's a sort of "near-far" thing from Sesame Street coupled with a multiple choice exam. So here goes, fashion "advice" from GB...

If your hair is longer than your dress, you may want to:

a) buy a longer dress, skanky
b) get your haircut, hippy! (I kid, sorry hippies and hippie-lovers)
c) consider a new career as a Lady Godiva impersonator, think of the wardrobe costs you'll save

If your jean shorts are shorter than the pockets in said shorts, you may want to:

a) grow some longer shorts
b) reduce your pockets
c) start a new fashion trend and extend the pockets

Trip Wit

2008-10-19T21:16:00.001-07:00

I recently went on a road trip with a few other people. Here a few of the *lovely* one-liners the van was treated to courtesy of yours truly.

Upon seeing a Jack in the Box sign: "If Jack in the Box went out of business the headline would read, 'Jack in the PineBox'."

Upon seeing a sign for Medford: "I never met a Ford I didn't like."

Upon seeing a sign for Yreka: (something like) "Yeah, why reek-a, get some deodorant and you won't reek-a."

Upon combining the box of Medjool dates in the vehicle with a sign about upcoming road work (to a recently single guy): "Would you like a date?" (He knows I mean a Medjool date). He replies, "no thanks" and I say, "Are you sure? Because there's a single lane ahead!" (That one actually still makes me laugh).

Upon seeing dead deer on the side of the highway: "The population is deer-creasing."

Upon a lengthy blathering about someone wanting to buy a ranch (because of the scenery we were passing through): "I guess it's better to buy a ranch than to have bought the farm."

And a couple that I didn't share for some reason (maybe some people were sleeping?)

Upon seeing a sign for Louse Creek: 'Hmm, so when you come out, are you de-loused?'

Upon seeing many signs with the town population and elevation: I found it interesting that so many had elevations with larger numbers than their populations.

Quick Quote

2008-10-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman

Wine Whine

2008-09-30T11:12:00.001-07:00

So today I'm grabbing receipts out of my purse (I'm not a fan of the purse, there was a time I just carried my wallet around in my hand, still do occasionally, but, as usual, I digress) - things are a pain unless it's something you actually want a receipt for. So I find a receipt from a recent purchase of a bottle of wine to take to a dinner thing. Then, to what should my wandering eye(s) appear, but an extra item listed. For $0.00. What is said item you ask? Well, it says "ID NOT REQ OVER 40". Welllll!!! I'm not over 40!!!! {raises eyebrow with fire in eyes}. Now I know I'm pretty much guaranteed to not get ID'd by this point in my life, but still. I think in the last, say, 8 years, I've been ID'd twice. Once at a liquor store in Canada, which was a shock to be sure, but then more recently in the US at a restaurant!! I thought the server was joking but she looked highly annoyed when I started to laugh. I really think she thought I was trying to pull a fast one, crack a few jokes and make her forget all about her request. Or that I might try a Jedi mind trick (waves hand, "you don't need to see my ID"). Now I know some places have policies "we ID under 25" but still. Getting back to this "over 40" thing, I cannot believe they print that out on the receipt! I'm sure a couple people I know will get a good laugh over this one. I wonder if they have other categories... "ID checked, NP, over 25". Maybe they should come up with some fun ones like, "so fucking old there was absolutely no need to check for ID, $0.00" or "fake boobs, could therefore use other cosmetic surgery, looks about 62 but checked ID anyway, $0.00".
I'm just hoping that in 2 years I'm not entitling a blog post "the liquor depot finally made me buy those fancy anti-aging creams (but I'm so damn old I can't remember where i put them)."

Super Soup Saturday

2008-09-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

Long (and not exciting story) about plans being cancelled yada yada. End result being that I'm opening one of those cartons of soup to grab something to eat, an unusual experience. So I read the directions re: opening (pull up the tab and tear) and I say, "wow, this is tearable soup". Which, when you aren't typing but talking, sounds just like, "wow, this is terrible soup". Isn't that scintillating? Maybe I should add that word to the title...

Drive Thru Debaucle

2008-09-11T16:26:00.000-07:00

I was going through the drive thru awhile back. I knew the person in the vehicle in front of me. Xe shall remain "safely anonymous". {You know, when I first typed that it said "shall rename" - Freudian slip I suppose. The 'safely anonymous' I stole from Star Wars (I can hear you Sid, knock it off).} Anyway, I digress. Wildly. Crazily. Off the hook-ily. So, as I was saying...the drive thru. I guess my knock out good looks and winning personality get some people flustered (har har) because the person in front of me pulled up just short of the ordering speaker and began talking to a different rectangularly shaped object. The door to the garbage can. At first, I'd thought xe was simply not pulling up to the ordering speaker because xe was perusing the menu. But once I realized what was going on, I couldn't help but chortle. I think "safely anonymous" was embarrassed. But xe can now remain safely anonymously embarrassed. Immortalized on my blog. Which would be safe even without the anonymity due to the scarcity of readers. I don't check the stats anyway, so I guess I could pretend that thousands of people read this blog, just none of them comment. You know, too dazzled by the wit to have a rejoinder. Uh huh. Does that mean that, in effect, when I'm blogging I'm talking to a garbage can instead of a speaker too? Hmm, deep thoughts.

Female Football Fantasy

2008-09-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

Titillating title, n'est pas?

Last night I had a dream. NO, it wasn't about little black boys and girls. Let's be clear, it wasn't about little kids of any colour or creed. However, it was about football. And a team that won the Superbowl. And then the QB was taking off xe's equipment and I suddenly realized that the QB was a woman. I know this because I can clearly remember seeing her bra from behind as she discreetly removed some of her equipment. And don't get any ideas, it wasn't a Manssiere or a Bro (TM Seinfeld), it was a woman and a woman's bra.
What does this mean? Why am I dreaming this? (For some of you, you know who you are... I think I should add, "don't answer that" - I've read your dream interpretations before, freak.)

Whaddya Think, Will Hallmark Be Hiring Me?

2008-05-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm on vacation recently. One of the places I visited was California. Governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. While I'm on vacation I hear from someone else on the trip about a guy I know. Apparently he appeared to have a brain tumour but hadn't really told anyone. He got a bunch of tests and such and the verdict was that the tumour was something he was probably born with and he could just ignore it. Something along those lines. So with this new news he figured he could mention it to a few people which is how I indirectly heard the news. Now this is not someone I know that well, but awhile later I was contemplating his upcoming birthday and I thought about getting him a card. I shared with a trusted confidante the following idea...

{Dreamy music, the screen goes wavy}...

[Front of card] A picture of Arnold (see how this all ties together? California, its' Governor...)

[Inside verse] It's not a tumour!!! (You have to imagine this in Arnold's voice of course. It would be extra wicked cool if I could get one of those cards that actually plays a sound file when you open it).

My trusted confidante seemed to think I was basically of the same type as Hitler for this one. I kind of thought it was a lighthearted double-purpose card. I'm relieved your brain is ok, and by the way, Happy Birthday. I'm sure Hallmark doesn't have anything like that! But I wasn't sure how the proposed recipient would take it so the idea never reached fruition. You never know, watch for it in a card store. Someday.

Going in Reverse

2008-05-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't posted since February??!? Yikes. Here's a short one to kick things off.

I'm driving down a major road the other day. I see ahead of me a car that looks like it's been through several wars. The rust is incredible. Picture ivy taking over a building. Except it's rust on a car. I think you get the picture. I then note that the car has veteran plates. Now I thought those referred to the car owner being a veteran. I think in this case the plates actually referred to the car. As I get closer, I note that even though we are moving forward, the car's reverse lights come on and stay on as we increase speed. Great. At any moment will the car suddenly clunk painfully into reverse? I suppose a car of senior citizen status might take a while to, ahem, change gears so maybe it'll be ok. No disrespect to senior citizens anywhere.

Kid Lit

2008-02-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

The scene: floor with a young child's stuff scattered on it.

For some reason, I happen to notice a book, laying face down on the floor.
One of those typical books for preschool kids, with the shiny hardcover and bright colours.
But what leaps out at me? At the top, it says (complete with little graphics and all that cuteness):
"1 Chick is good, but aren't 2 Chicks even better?"
Oh dear.
So I turn to another childless person and snarf about this. They are amused and shake their head at me.

Enter the child's doting grandmother.
So I'm feeling frisky and I pick up the book, point to the relevant stuff on the cover, and tell the grandmother in a mock-serious tone that I'm not sure this kind of reading is appropriate material for a 2 year old, that threesomes are of a morality that is questionable, blah blah blah (whatever I could come up with). Perhaps you had to be there, but it was pretty funny. But just when I think this fun episode of diversion is over, I notice that further down on the back cover are some other book titles...you must imagine the jaw-dropping, facial muscle-screwing up look that came over my face when I read, "Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same" and "Going for the Bronze: Still Bitter, More Baggage". On a book for "baby, preschool" reading level??? I mean I was joking around about all that threesome, morality stuff, but really, are we embittering a generation of babies/preschoolers with bitterness and baggage? WTF?! Upon further perusal, I find out that the books are adult titles by the same author. Uh huh, I'd watch out, she's probably slipping some bitterness in her baby books too. Consider yourselves warned. Great Blogspectations, a public service.

Classic Sayings Adaptation

2008-02-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

Setting: A visit to a home that is lived in by bachelors. Not that I'm trying to stereotype. But the dust bunnies are LARGE, the toilet rims/seats are crusty, and there are various food crumbs around chairs in eating areas (enabling one to study the recent eating patterns of the species - much nicer than having to look at spoor, don't you think?!)

So a recent meal consisted of some chips, evidenced by chip chunks scattered around a kitchen chair. One got stuck to my foot. I thus proclaimed, "You've heard of having a chip on your shoulder, well this is having a chip on the foot!" This resulted in mirth. (Shouldn't have encouraged me). I therefore later pronounced, "You've heard of a chip off the old block? Well this is a chip on the old sock!"

Yeah.

Signs of Wisdom

2008-01-23T08:39:00.000-08:00

Saw a sign today that said:

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it"

Now I'm not an advocate of stealing forks, but this sign did inspire some wise words of witty wisdom (or not) from me:

"If you come to a fork in the road, have something to eat"
-- GB

Revisiting the Past....

2008-01-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

I found some old stuff of mine. I may make a series of these posts if I can keep my motivation up. Here's the first (and maybe the last too....)

Life Skills 8 Report Card

Ah, Grade 8, my first year of high school. Back then apparently we took "Life Skills" which consists of Woodwork (shut it, Jesus was a carpenter right? this is an important life skill), Study Skills (what could be more important?), Computer Literacy (wow, my school didn't suck, it was cutting edge - wait, is this teaching computers how to read???), Sewing, and Foods.

Grades:

Woodwork 71% C+ (no doubt, I remember being afraid of losing a finger in the power equipment - i believe i made a lovely towel holder)

Study Skills 75% B (but apparently I got 99% on the final! shouldn't that get you an A+??! does that not concretely demonstrate study skills? how did I get only 75% overall? was the final worth 2% of our grades? i demand a recount!)

Computer 82% B (read this blog, jackass! i know what i'm doing!)

Sewing 81% B (how on earth is this possible? i did better in sewing than study skills?! i despise sewing, i remember nothing from this class. then again i don't remember even taking study skills. i don't remember study skills even existing as a course.)

Foods 87% A ("good work habits and a positive attitude have contributed to this grade". so what you're saying is that this grade is completely subjective and not based on actual tests or assignments. that's it, i'm appealing my grade 8 life skills grades.... [toodles off to do so])

Email Capers

2008-01-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a directive. Do not read the title of this post as "Readers of this blog, please email me some capers." Please. Do not. Although with the number of people who read this blog, I'd be lucky to get one caper. But I digress. Wildly. Inanely.

Here is a recent email exchange:

Sent to me....

"---Women,---
---are like apples---
---on trees. The best ones---
---are at the top of the tree.---
---The boys don't want to reach---
-for the good ones because they're--
-afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong with them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right man to
--- come along, the one who's-
--- brave enough to---
---climb all---
---the way---
---to the top---
---of the tree.---"

(Okay, so along with this email I get the following note....)

"I believe your the creme de la creme :)"

(Now, if you've made it through that apple/women shit, I congratulate you heartily. I don't know who wrote that thing, but I'm laying odds it was a sad female owner of 472 cats who got delusional. Anyway, here was my response to the "creme" comment...)

"creme de la creme...is that like a REALLY rotten apple?!?! so rotten it's CREAMY?!?! ohmigod! you just called me easy!!! i'm going to get you! i'm going to fall on your head from WAAAAY up here on the top of this FRICKIN' HUGE apple tree!!!! ENJOY BEING UNCONSCIOUS, FUCKWAD!"

November 9th, January 18th

2008-01-18T09:43:00.000-08:00

What is the significance of those two dates? They signify that I'm not a dead blogger. My last post was November 9th, and today is January 18th. I'm alive!!!!!!!!! And off to do a 'real post' now....

Avalanche vs. Canucks 11/9/07

2007-11-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's no IPB calibre game diary...more like a highlight version...and not even a good highlight version like NHL On The Fly...but here goes...

I've sat down with my Dad to watch this game. He likes to watch with no sound on. He's waiting for the day when you can pick which sounds you get with a game. Which, as an aside, would be way cool. "I'd like all the on ice noise and the crowd, oh, good play by play guy tonight - I'll keep him then - oh (said with disdain) *he's* doing colour...mute FORSURE!" (But I digress).

Canucks have the puck behind their own net. They're taking their sweet time setting up the play. I snidely remark that if they just stand there a little longer, they're sure to run out the clock (I think there was about 2 minutes left).

Canucks do a break-out, it looks good at first and then falls flat. I remark, "guess he's not a Weaver of magic". My Dad didn't get it at first, til he realized the Canucks D Weaver had started the play. I felt pretty proud. I was practically Ron MacLean right there.

The Canucks have the puck for a long time in the offensive zone but no real chances. I think to myself that the Canucks are like my spin class this morning: lots of cycling, but you never go anywhere.

Avalanche are called on a penalty. Their coach is shown doing the usual freak out (recall, no sound). My Dad says, "he seems like a sweet guy" (in a very sort of sincere sounding voice, hard to explain, but it was somehow funny). Then they do the penalty box shot with the graphic, and it's Kurt Sauer in the box. For a minute I thought my Dad somehow had known that and wasn't referring to the coach at all with his, "sweet" comment but making a joke re: "sour" (that's the antithesis of sweet for anyone who didn't get that ;) Of course he was talking about the coach. But it was still well-timed comedy, dammit.

Canucks again, what looks to be some pretty passing - I think "tic...tac!....noooo". On the replay, it appears that the "pretty passing" I originally saw was actually more like a series of lucky blunders. Kind of made it cool, actually.

I note the "Viagra" ads on the boards. A reminder to "get it up" I think. Unless the opposing goalie is weak 5 hole or on wraparounds, in which case...

Flight of Fancy

2007-11-09T15:47:00.000-08:00

A34. B36. Like bra sizes.
Then lift off.
It's dark. Mood, feeling, sensation. Eerie?
Then the lights of the city spread out below. Dawning only of recognition. Then clouds.

Close eyes. Bumps. Association to a Tragically Hip song, but first hear a different song of theirs... "at the looooooooooooonely end of the rink, you and me..." before the song originally thought of, the more apt "Freak Turbulence".

Thoughts of food seep in...morphing...sexual. Over an hour, first today? Female... But awake?...the hour, so early. Doubts that this would really matter if male.

Thoughts - death. Like being an orgasm, back to the source? Swirling in this for several infinite moments.... BAM! The seeming infinite orgasm of being dead ends as it zips down to merge with an orgasm on earth, a newly fertilized egg......eyes blink open, take it in, close, BUMP! Wheels down, screech....

Blog Inspiration Synchronicity

2007-11-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

The subtitle of this post should be: "A.K.A. awkward title" or "Take out the middle initial and you're left with BS". But I digress.

So over at IPB we were talking about 'old-fashioned phrases'. I mentioned that I had said "the proof is in the pudding" and the person I was speaking to (late 20's I think) said xe had never heard that expression.

Later that same day... (screen goes wavy), I was reading a book (coincidentally it was about blogging) and the author (Mason) was talking about "phrases you wish would come back into fashion".

So here goes...

"I don't give a tinker's damn." (Have to admit, that's new to me. Did tinker's have dams and someone got confused? Were they really crappy, leaky dams?)

"Here's mud in your eye." (Did that used to be the equivalent of the F word?? Once upon a time it was 'Mud in your eye!' and now it's 'Fuck off'?)

"He's a tall, cool drink of water." (Yeah, but the more pressing question is, who is the straw that stirs the drink?!?! Am I right?!)

"I like the cut of his jib." (Sailing is soooo kinky!)

"I'll fix your little red wagon." (Apparently wagon fixing is right up there with sailing, who knew).

Grocery Store Gaffe

2007-11-07T15:22:00.000-08:00

I walk into my local grocery store. I see a couple of friends. I wave hello.
(You're waiting for it right? Rubbing your hands together in anticipation, waiting for the 'gaffe' part. Will she trip and fall? Is there toilet paper stuck to her shoe? What will it be???)

Well let me start with a little background. The people I'm waving to - one is an ex-boyfriend (from way back, don't get excited) and the other is his girlfriend. Fiancee now actually. So the last time I saw them, it was afternoon and I was still in my housecoat (don't ask). I'm assuming what follows comes out of that interaction...

The Dude: "Wow! It's amazing to see you with clothes on! I'm not used to this! And so *early* in the day, too!" (This is all said in a booming voice that I'm sure at least a quarter of the store can hear.)

Now at first I'm just sort of, ha ha, yeah, until more of what he's saying sinks in and I realize how it must sound to others. I notice a couple clerks and customers start to give us strange looks. I begin to imagine what stories they're mentally composing to explain why this man is telling this woman how strange it is to see her with clothes on. I then make eye contact with the fiancee. With a bemused look, I say, "that really didn't sound very good, did it?" (not that it was a question, more like, duh, of course not). She most certainly agreed. He, meanwhile, is still talking, seemingly oblivious to what he's saying, or rather the effect that it's creating.

Ah, good times. Who knew the grocery store could be so much fun.

Movie Moment

2007-10-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

I recently went out of town to attend a wedding. I was leaving my friends' hotel to walk back to mine, standing at the crosswalk with other people waiting for the light to cross. All of a sudden I feel this...chivalrous...hand grab my arm. WTH? My head spins quickly to the side. I discover that a limo was backing up in the hotel drop off area to negotiate a turn, and as I was on the end of the line of people waiting, it was about to hit me. This dashing young man had leapt forward and taken my arm to ensure I was not hit. When I had sufficiently recovered my senses, I realized that this guy was also quite attractive. We exchanged a few comments. And I thought this would make a great "how did you meet?" story. Of course at the wedding we'd have to leave out the "and then we went back to my room and made out like rabbits" part ;) On second thought, I have a feeling rabbits are pretty quick, so I hope that saying refers to the frequency of the act, not the time spent. Sheesh, I've turned my movie moment into a damn porno. Maybe that's a new genre. It starts out as a romantic comedy and ends in porno. Gives new meaning to "Titanic". Heh heh. "We're going down!" But I digress, and wildly. Must focus. What? ...

Tsk Tsk TSN

2007-10-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

This Devils vs. Penguins game is freakin' AWESOME. The 2nd period had so much controversy - kind of interesting - and the game itself has been so exciting and action packed.

So during some controversial calls in the 2nd, at one point the camera shows Lou Lamoriella (spelling?) sitting with Stephen Walcom (the head of officiating - can't remember his official title) and they're laughing together. Ok, firstly, Lou laughing?! But secondly, that *really* didn't look good. Way too cozy. Especially during that particular moment of the game. The commentators made a few comments about Walcom living in Pittsburgh so that's why he's at the game yada yada. Well, in the 2nd intermission, they show the same footage, this time with a "Recorded Earlier" stamp on it, while the commentators talk about how that footage was actually recorded prior to the game, and they regret it if they gave the wrong impression blah blah blah. IF?!?! You regret it *if* you gave the wrong impression?! Hello, that's like me giving a lap dance, pulling out an accordian length of condoms, backing up into a room while giving the "come here" signal with my finger and undoing whatever clothes I have left on, and then getting outraged when the guy puts a move on me and saying huffily, 'well, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression...'

IF... pffttt.

Heh Heh Heh - Hockey

2007-10-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

TSN's Healy on a controversial goal:

'I know that Fleury spends half the game on his knees and the other half on his back...'

Now Healy is one of my least favorite commentators, but honestly, that was too funny. No one else on the panel seemed to react but then I don't suppose they're allowed (on air at least) to yell out things such as, "Yeah! Like your Mama!"

Great Blogspectations Presents... Great Boobspectations

2007-10-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

Following close on the heels of "What a Boob", we now have "Great Boobspectations".

What did you expect, these things come in pairs you know. (Bah-dum-ching!)

'Great Boobspectations' is inspired by one Andrew of IPB who read "What a Boob" and then came across a post at KuklasKorner about a Craigslist ad that...well... you'll see. So I'm reposting the ad below...

"I have a bunch of Canucks tix, and normally I use them for business development and entertain client, or take some of my cheap friends who wont buy their own, and once in a while, my wife decides she is a hockey fan and enjoys a game.
I know there are always lots of people looking for tickets, so I figured I would post on CL, and see if there was anyone else that would like a FREE ticket to go to the game with ME…..meet a complete stranger, and spend a harmless evening watching the Nucks. I am sure the conversation will be somewhat more interesting, entertaining, or at the very least, better to look at than one of my clients or beer drinking friends.
So here is the criteria and what I propose…….I am looking for an attractive, fit, married or single, classy, BUSTY female to join me as my guest for an upcoming Canucks game. No game in particular…whatever fits both of our schedules. Ideally you would wear something classy, but with a little edge to the outfit…i love cleavage, I love big boobs, and i love a little attitude and confidence to go along with it.
This is NOT about sex, or trying to solicit a sexual encounter and I am NOT expecting anything in return before or after the game. Just some fun conversation, a cool experience, and maybe a glimpse (ok maybe two)at some nice BIG boobs….I am a total boob guy, but unfortunately, most of my clients are males, and my wife was not blessed with anything bigger than a b cup.
So…….if you fit the description, email me back, and lets see if we can set up a “Canuck date”….
me: 30, married, professionally employed, attractive, clean cut, classy and respectful."

I love the "classy and respectful" part at the end. At any rate, Mr. What A Boob has turned out to be a wonderful inspiration - I even joked that I might have to change the blog name to Great Boobspectations after all this. But then I saw reason and just did one post. However, a bunch of 'boob' talk got generated over at IPB that caused the Oh-So-Fun and lovely Katebits to share a story about an online dating profile. Katebits described it as follows:

"the guy was going on and on and on with shit like,'You should have the exotic beauty of Catherine Zeta Jones, the bubbly personality of Drew Barrymore, the quirky appeal of Audry Hepburn….ect ect.' Honestly, he went on like this FOREVER and he must have listed at least fifty movie stars and their best quality. By the time I was half way through I was literally disgusted, but I kept reading because I couldn’t believe that anyone would have such gall. (By the way, there wasn’t a single piece of information about the GUY, only the incredible list of expectations.) SO I get to the end of the profile and I am really truly aghast, and he finishes his profile with this line:

'Oh, who am I kidding? Must have big tits and a pulse.'"

That is SO hilarious.

Thank you Andrew & Katebits for your contributions to today's installment of "Great Boobspectations". Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.

What A Boob

2007-10-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

So I meet this guy who decides in very short order that we may possibly be soul mates or something. I've talked to a few people about some of the stuff that transpired and it has earned this dude various nicknames and mockery but I figured it was time to be really meanspirited and make fun of him on the internet. But I'm not so mean that I'm going to give his name and all that. (Gee, give me a medal).

So this guy seems smitten. Keep in mind we have had very little contact. I mean VERY little. I haven't even really formed much of an opinion of him at all. So he says to me, so I need to ask you something really important, in fact, it's a dealbreaker. (Seems a little early for this type of conversation but ok...) So I'm expecting something about how I feel about him having kids or something big like that (he does have stepkids). Instead, he says, "do you like to cuddle?" Barely waiting for an answer, he goes on to tell me how he LOVES to give footrubs and do all kinds of other "romantic" things. (ASIDE: Have I been sucked out of my regular life and right into some Harlequin romance novel? Hey, open the book wider, there's not enough room in these pages! Ack, Fabio is learing at me from the cover - read faster, I need to keep my distance!) He then waits for me to slobber like a dog and ask for his hand in marriage or something. He does not seem to be able to understand or even marginally comprehend my less than enthusiastic response. (ASIDE: Why are we talking about cuddling after 5 minutes? Is that supposed to be better than talking about sex? Am I supposed to think you must be a great sensitive guy? Because it ain't working, in fact I'm thinking you may well be a dweeb. You either are REALLY into cuddling, which is a bit odd, I mean cuddling is okay and all but there are limits OR you are just saying all this shit because you read in some handbook on women that it will get you laid. I'm not sure which option is more disturbing. Just when I think I've nailed it down to one, the other races ahead and grabs the lead.) So then he immediately follows this up with, "are you attracted to me?" Um, I've "known" you for a grand total of minutes, easy there. As I fumble through that he then says, "well do you like talking to me?" I'm unable to refrain from a sarcastic response along the lines of, "No, I'm despising every second but I don't terminate the conversation." (Upon further reflection, perhaps that wasn't so much sarcasm as prescience). And so it goes. So I end up linking something he says to Seinfeld. He then raves about how much he loves the show. So I describe this part of an episode where George is driving up to the Hamptons for the weekend with a new girlfriend. They're doing the voice over of what George is thinking. It goes something like, "if I reached out and touched her boob right now, she'd slap me, but after this weekend, I'll be able to touch it whenever I want." So I finish my description and he seems very odd. He blurts out, "I can't believe you just said that." So I, rather perplexed, say, "what, you mean boob?" I get an affirmative response and then this guy goes from, 'you are my soul mate, I want us to get to know each other in a deep and meaningful way' to 'uh, I have to run, bye'. He practically runs away. I'm left rather amused. Seriously, you couldn't handle me saying "boob"? What kind of guy are you? Hell, a friend of mine's husband practically drools if he hears that word. And I don't think he's the only one. So I'm thinking that I should use "boob" as a screening tool. Every person I meet from now on, young or old, male or female, I will use that word and if they run screaming I will be relieved to be rid of them without further adieu.

...Brought To You By The Letter P and the Number 3

2007-10-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm over at a friends' place the other day, having breakfast in the dining room when all of a sudden there is a mighty crash/explosion sound from the kitchen. Upon investigation, it turns out that a pan exploded in the oven. As this is discussed by those present, I happen to notice that everything involved starts with "P". It was a Pyrex pan of pumpkins for pie. The pumpkins had to be declared unusuable as the 'glass' (Pyrex) had shattered so incredibly that there were bits everywhere. My friend made the best of it, saying it was only $3 worth of pumpkins. And there was a 3 year old present. And a 33 year old. So I made the joke that today's episode is brought to us by ... (see title of the post), a Sesame Street Shout-out.

Did you have to be there? Or did this translate to the blogosphere?

Celtic Concert Contemplation

2007-10-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

So I went to a concert the other night that featured a celtic band. They were quite diverse and the whole experience was very enjoyable. Small venue. The woman in the band who spoke the most was very funny, with a Scottish accent. She liked to tell a bit of a story about the songs they would play and they were very improvisational. 'What should we play now?' they'd say to one another and then pick something. At one point she said they were going to do a song by this guy called Time Will End (the song, not the guy - and I think that's what she said, don't quote me). She said that she thought this was a neat title and she emailed this guy to ask what the story was behind his song, thinking it might be very cool. He said he was "contemplating his navel" when he wrote it but that if she came up with a good story, be sure to let him know. So she put it out to the audience to do just that. She said if anyone wanted to share and had a good one, she'd use it at future concerts and even give them credit.

So they start playing and I sort of zone out a bit and just let the music wash over me. Wow, that sounded so incredibly cheesy that I feel nauseous. It wasn't that weird. So anyway, I'm seeing if anything comes to me from listening to the music but all I can think of is the navel contemplation and I find myself kind of wishing that she hadn't put that in because it's interfering with me thinking of anything. Then suddenly stuff comes to me. So I thought I'd share...

I visualized a guy sitting in a room and literally staring at his belly button. (I didn't think until right now the symbolism involved in this, being that the umbilical cord unites mother and baby blah blah). Anyway... I see him doing this and then the screen goes wavy and we whoosh into his belly button in a sort of tornado like motion. There we see, sort of in miniature, a whole little 'village' in which the grass roofed huts are being lit on fire by marauders and people are running and screaming (there's no noise but you know they are). Then it morphs in the tornado way again and we see another scene. Each scene is a different time period but all sad in theme (or evil or what have you). The feeling that came up was depressing. Like since the beginning of time there has been ugliness (killing, hatred, etc) among humans and it will never change kind of thing.

At this point the music of the song kind of changes and I feel there's a different tone to it (not musical tone, just ... you know). So then I see the same kind of thing as before except now the scenes are more happy or at least ... emotional is the only word I can think of... like weddings or children being born or something. I think at the end of the song perhaps it zooms back out and we see the guy sitting in the room again, kind of expressionless.

------

"That's my story...and I'm sticking to it."
(Borrowed from a live version of "Highway Girl" by The Tragically Hip - very very very cool song).

Quick Quips

2007-10-03T16:27:00.000-07:00

I went to a party that I didn't know many people at. A friend of mine whispered to me that this one woman was the one she'd told me about before - this woman and her husband...well, they have sex with other couples and that kind of thing. So she points her out and I don't think much more about it. And I haven't seen the husband yet, he's outside. I still haven't seen him (I'm in the kitchen with the women, you know how it is) and I made a joke so people were all laughing at that when the swinger woman exclaimed, "ohmigod! you'd love my husband!" At which point I thought about the swinging thing and was pretty entertained by her comment. She may have wondered why I raised my eyebrow, winked at her slyly & knowingly and then gently caressed her ass.
------

I'm talking to this woman that I know. Hard to describe her personality, a bit naive in a sense. So I say I'm going to this hockey game in another city and she says, "Oh maybe I'll see you there!" I know very well she means in the city, but I say back, "You're gonna be at the game, huh." So then she does the 'you know what I mean' thing and replies, "Well, you know, you might see me walking the streets." Heh heh. Yeah? Really? Standing on your corner huh. Chortle.

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

2007-09-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

Over at Interchangeable Parts http://interchangeableparts.wordpress.com/2007/09/29/psuedo-opening-day-ducks-vs-kings-092907/ in their game day diary they wrote:

"7:15 We hear all about how when Kopitar was a little kid he frequently asked his grandmother to interview him in English. That’s probably why we’re not professional athletes – we didn’t commit enough to the dream of being interviewed a lot when we were kids."

Not only did that line bring the funny, but it also inspired this post. (Hopefully the girls at IPB aren't rolling their eyes at that. "Oh fabulous, we inspired THAT?! - eye roll ;)

That made me think of when I was a kid. I think I'd been reading a bunch of Nancy Drew at this particular juncture and I got into this detective/crime solving thing. In one she'd managed to escape after being tied up because she tensed her wrists in a particular way and thus was able to loosen her bonds. So, gleefully, I recall begging my Dad to tie me up. At the time, I didn't understand why he didn't seem super keen to do so. Once I got older, it was apparent, and hilarious to me. The poor guy figured Social Services would pick that time to send over the child protection services and how would he explain that.
"But you don't understand, she just wanted to pretend to be Nancy Drew, that's all!"
(The workers, between themselves: "And who were you going to pretend to be - you sick &^%$" they say to one another before they remove child-me from the premises).

And in case you're wondering, I do believe I was able to convince him in the end, but he used those big green garbage bags. Not ropes or chain or anything. And of course this all came in very handy for my detective career. Um, well... Hey, I did date a P.I. once! But when he tied me up I didn't want to escape. Just kidding. About the tying up part that is - I really did date a P.I. - it was kind of creepy.
"Ok, let me tell you where I live."
"Don't bother, I'll find you."

Hockey Date in Canada

2007-09-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching the NHL season opener from England and the commentator says something along the lines of, "he put his arm around the guy and almost took a penalty". So I think (sarcastically) to myself, "wow, putting your arm around someone (a gesture of affection) is a penalty huh" which leads me to picture being on a date and the guy goes to put his arm around me and I say stridently, "hey! nuh uh, penalty!.." which immediately led me to the continuation of that thought, "..2 minutes in the box!". Uh. Hmm, that might not work so well. Ahem. Right-o then.

Hockey Talk

2007-09-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

This summer I read a hockey blog (can't remember which one) talking about how many games some of the juniors play. The author made a case about how people sometimes complain about hockey players sounding "dumb" in interviews and how that's not a surprise when these young guys are playing a zillion games a year, really, how are they supposed to talk about anything else besides the usual hockey cliches?

I found this interesting, in part I think because I'd never really thought of that particular argument before. And apparently it stuck with me, because a month or so later it's still thought provoking. What got me thinking about it again was listening to some player interviews today. And I thought it would be nice if interviewers asked more non-hockey questions. Or at least broader hockey questions. This might help generate less cliche-ridden answers. I mean really, how many answers are there to "what do you need to do to score out there tonight?" "Well, we've just got to put the puck in the net" (no shit, that's the definition of scoring) "I think we need to fight harder for the puck" (no doubt, hard to score without it) "We need to create some more chances" (again, no shit)...

If the interviewer asked things more 'hockey-related', say "what do you do to get ready for a game" - I'd probably be more intrigued.

And we're out of time. Thanks for joining us tonight on Hockey Talk.

What's in a name?

2007-09-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I see a cool name in credits or something. Then I usually can't remember what it was. But through the wonders of blogging, I can now document this kind of thing (oh, lucky you, readers!). Today I saw the last name "McEvily" - that's pretty cool. I might marry that dude just to get his last name ;)

It's a lot better than the dentist office sign I used to drive by from time to time - Dr. Pus - I dislike going to the dentist enough, no way I'm going to one named that.

Quotable Quotes

2007-09-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

After being released from the hospital due to a nasty hit, NHL'er Dean McAmmond said:

"People say I've got concussion problems but I don't have concussion problems. I've got a problem with people giving me traumatic blows to the head, that's what I've got a problem with."

Nice.

Toast Talk

2007-09-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

I was away from home for a few days awhile back and when I returned I found my toaster outside. I figured either my housemates were VERY slowly moving me out, or something was up with the toaster. I later found out that it was apparently 'shooting out flames' while someone was making toast. I was kind of sorry I missed that. Then later I found a piece of toast outside, near the abandoned toaster, and it made me laugh because the toast was VERY black in the middle.

And while I'm on the subject of toast(ers), this summer I discovered one of the most annoying things - a Disney toaster - it plays stupid songs while it makes toast. And I thought mornings were bad before...

Game Day Diary, Part 3 of 3

2007-09-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

So where was I? Ah, yes....

After the stretching I drove off to get myself showered up and have some lunch and so on. I then proceeded on a several hour journey to get myself to a hockey game. I ran into parking problems at one point and almost missed a connection. But eventually I found myself at the rink where I waited with a bunch of other early fans until the doors opened. I must have been one of the very first people through the doors. I did a quick look at some merchandise, then proceeded to check out the food and beverages. I ended up getting natchos and a Sprite (yep, I know how to have a good time!). I almost never drink Sprite, but I happened to see it and thought of Marty (Brodeur that is, not Short or Turco or Casey or....) so that's what I went with. I then proceeded to my seat. (Yes, not only do I know how to have a good time, I know how to do so all by myself. Wait. Uh... That sounded kind of kinky. Anyhoo....)

I chowed down on my natchos and took in the atmosphere as more people filed in. In the end, despite a nearly full areana, I had an empty seat on one side of me. The guys sitting on the other side I had a couple complaints about. One, the guy sits down and immediately claims both armrests. Two, they stunk. Or at least one of them did. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but I'm going to go with cigar smoke as it seemed like sitting beside a cigarette smoker times about 50. I finally smartened up and moved over a seat. Now I was beside a group of guys who were really enjoying craploads of beer. And I could tell they'd been enjoying said beer for quite some time, as they were hugging each other or otherwise demonstrating their affection for one another in a way that men (or straight ones at least) never do unless they're drunk. It was amusing.

The game itself was ok but I couldn't help but compare it to an NHL game and so it was a bit lackluster. But it was cool being in the crowd, having other people gasp at the same plays that I would and so forth. There were even some fights (on the ice). I noted that my reaction to the fights was different than usual. When watching an NHL game I get pretty into the fights. These being young hockey players (teens), I found the fights somewhat less enjoyable. Kind of brought back memories of guys fighting in high school. As a girl you sometimes felt bad for a guy who would have to fight even though he was probably really scared to take on some tough guy. But I digress.

After the game I made my way out and headed toward public transit. I had a *lovely* interaction with a guy who stared at me and then said really loudly, "Nice guns, Mama!"
I responded with, "Really, do you think so? Cool, let's go do it!"
Okay, I didn't really, duh. I also didn't pull out a couple guns and shoot the guy.
And for the record, I wasn't even wearing anything low cut or revealing or whatever. Jeans and a long sleeved shirt (green) with a hood. But I digress again.

And that concludes my "game day" report.

Game Day Diary, Part Deux

2007-09-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

I hit the 9k mark. I check my watch, I'm making up time but I've lost way too much in the first half. (I should be running a 10k in under an hour, mind you, I didn't train for this other than the week before, which is highly wrong). Walking for just a few feet crosses my mind, this is unusual at this stage of a race (but usual when running, for me). I grit my teeth and kick on to the finish. I know I'm close when I pass the walkie talker person who relays your number to the finish so they can announce you. I sweep over the line, forget to stop my watch. I am momentarily confused by the finish clock - I looked at one for another distance (starts are at different times) and feel a frisson of disappointment to realize my watch was not wrong while I was out there running and I truly have not finished in less than an hour. I put my leg up on a bench so they can remove my chip (no, I'm not a robot, it's a timing device you wear on your shoe). A volunteer chats to me and another hands me a bottle of water. Wonderful event. I then peruse the finish line goodies, drink my water, and wait to see the times posted. 1:04:37.

I check out the scene and then check out the contents of my race package. A small bottle of Dasani water (if I'm drinking bottled, I'll pick out this brand so cool); a coupon for a running store; some cool hair elastics; a thermal beanie; Motrin and pain relief instructions; a magnet for a real estate dude; a coupon for a free bicycle tune-up (which a lot of people will want, thinking, 'sheeeeeee-it, I'm never running again! where's my bike?!'); pamphlets for assorted stuff, including an upcoming marathon in another city; more pain stuff; foot cream; and body cream, all in a "totally degradable" bag. I stretch, and then it's off to the next part of my journey....

Game Day Diary

2007-09-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

6:20 a.m. - The alarm beeps and I shut it off. I'm surprised I slept pretty well despite some interruptions and don't feel like killing anyone just to be able to get a few more minutes sleep.
(Usually I'm a bit paranoid that the alarm won't go off and so I wake up a lot, sitting up in panic to check the time).

I get up and get ready. I'm useless at eating right when I get up so I grab some Powerade (the green one, pineapple melon flavour) and a dried fruit thin.

7:00 a.m. - I drive off to where the run I'm doing will be held. I'm unsure about parking.

I'm nearing the start/finish area of the race but I keep going and end up finding a parking spot really close. I'm shocked, and very pleased.

This race is a corporate challenge event. There are various distances, I'm signed up on a team that's to do the 10k. The team itself seems to me very poorly organized (it's not my company). The team leader was kind of waffling over whether or not we'd get enough people and that was excuse enough to me to not train for the event. I emailed when the event was closer and the waffling was still there. Then about 2 days beforehand, I get a call from the team captain saying it's a go.

I'm now in the parking garage about to go off to find this woman who I barely know. I get to the congested race start area and go inside the hotel where we're supposed to meet. Not there. I check the bag check area, not there. And so on. I'm getting a little panicked because the team captain picks up the race packages. This means I have no number etc. and I'll be mighty pissed if I got up early and this doesn't come together. Finally I see the woman outside.

The event itself I discover is very well organized. I'm pleased. I've done races before where they run out of fluids at the fluid stations and that is not cool. The start/finish line has official clocks, there's music blasting, and the usual atmosphere. If you're not familiar, it's a kind of 'runners camraderie' thing going on. A lot of stretching, jogging, pinning bib numbers on and that kind of thing. And line ups for the porta potties of course. I enjoy the atmosphere, solo as my team seems to be snobby. (One woman on the team gushes about how she's really slow and she'll be last and she won't stop fretting. I'm trying to be reassuring etc. She ends up coming in 2nd in her age category. I'm sorry, but bite me you stupid be-yotch. Honestly, that's just insulting. No one who actually is slow etc. comes in 2nd in their age group at a race like this.)

The announcer comes on and starts to rev us up for the start. It's ironic, because I'm a slow runner, but I'm mentally telling myself to start slow - it's a well known fact that going out too fast early is a killer. And at big events like this one it's easy to get pumped up and not realize your pace is way fast.

As we get closer (the official clock is counting down), they put on Thunderstruck by AC/DC. Good choice. I've always found that intro to be very inspiring. So I really tell myself to watch my pace. BANG! Just as the song kicks in (nicely timed!) the starting gun goes off and we begin. In case you're not familiar with these events, the starts are packed so it takes a bit to cross the line.

I check my watch at the 1k mark. Shit! Way slow! Like over a minute past what it should be. Apparently I was so worried about being too fast I've created the opposite problem. But I don't learn from this, I still think I'd better be careful not to increase my pace too much. When I check my watch again, still way slow. Yet my pace doesn't feel slow. This is why you can't go with how it feels.

5k mark - I can't remember exactly, but I think I was at 36 or 37 minutes some odd seconds. Not good. WAAAAAY too slow. So I power it on. As I approach the 6k mark a cover band is playing a Tragically Hip song. I'm inspired. I'm a fair distance away when they start into the next song, but I can tell it's one by 54-40, cool.

As you run along on these things, people actually cheer for you. When I was somewhere around km 3 or 4, the lead male runner was passing me in the opposite direction. Damn these top people are fast. He even gets bicycle escorts. Way cool. They have signs on the bikes to tell you it's the lead guy. A ways after him come more men, singly and in packs. I'm keeping my eye out but it's a good while til the top female passes. After her comes a guy, he's yelling encouragement at me. I'm too tired to yell encouragement at other people when I'm running, sheesh.

I like the design of this course. It's not 100% out and back, but mostly, and the 1st half has a lot more uphill - the 2nd have much more downhill, awesome! The fluid stations are well run. Everything is great. Except my fuck up with my timing, but whatever. It's a beautiful day.

Can't remember exactly where, but at one fluid station they were having a little battle, the water server was trying to get me to take water, the gatordade server his wares (the gatorade silly, sheesh). The lucky winner was stoked I picked his beverage, while the water server made a last ditch effort, asking something like, 'and some water too??' I managed a grin (hell of an effort, this running shit is draining y'know).... to be continued....

Must See TV!

2007-08-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

I had a few minutes to kill the other day. And seeing as a few minutes isn't really enough time for killing, I instead flipped through a Fall TV preview.

Now, if the world were fair, the guys at Leper Pop http://leperpop.blogspot.com/ would write a blog on this, because it would be way more funny than what I can come up with. But guess what, the world isn't fair, so for now at least, you get this.

In my defence, these previews are so bad, what could anyone possibly add to make them funnier? And by 'funnier', I of course mean 'more ridiculous'.
Even the magazine that they were featured in mentions a site http://generatorland.com/ that randomly comes up with TV show pitches and I can tell you that they sadly aren't that far off of the real tv show descriptions. In fact, I've just now decided that I will make this into an interactive game! Go ahead readers, pick which of the following shows are coming to TV screens in the Fall, and which are made up! Here goes...

Moonlight - 'a good-hearted vampire works as a private investigator, protecting humans from their evil breathren'.

Dame Nimoy - 'an alien hides from a taxidermist with a photographic memory'.

Pushing Daisies - 'a whimsical tale about a pie maker named Ned who can kill or revive people, animals, and even plants with a single touch'.

Pulling Teeth - 'a down on his luck dentist falls in love with a mannequin that came to life'.

Da Kink In My Hair - 'a group of women gather to gossip, talk about their hopes and dreams and, of course, get some good weaves'.

And if you still think TV is "da bomb", check out the song "Television, The Drug of a Nation" by the Disposable Heroes of Hiphocracy http://peoplesgeography.com/2007/08/06/television-the-drug-of-a-nation/ (video) http://artists.letssingit.com/disposable-heroes-of-hiphoprisy-television-the-drug-of-the-nation-d1dw3jc (lyrics).

Clean Sheet (Of Ice), Dirty Minds

2007-08-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

A radio station in a city I lived in once used to have a contest in which they would play clips and callers had to decide if the clips were from home improvement shows or adult movies. Most of the time it was pretty silly but sometimes callers actually would get it wrong. You'd swear it was porn and it'd turn out to be home improvement.

For awhile they had a similar contest in which callers had to decide if the clip was from hockey broadcasts or adult movies. I'm not the only one who has chuckled over some of the things broadcasters say during a hockey game. "He just can't get it up!" "He's spending far too much time playing in his own end!" are just a couple of examples commonly cited.

Well today I'm watching a DVR of the Canada Russia "Super Series" and in one 30 second stretch...wow.

Here's a sampling:

8:10 - Bobrovskiy just closes his legs in time! (Been there ;)
8:17 - Giroux just slid it wide (Been there too ;)
8:23 - (Lucic) he got it up! (Finally!)

Klosterman Quotes

2007-08-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

In a recent post, I mentioned the book "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman. I said it might inspire some posts. Then I remembered my laziness might prevent that. After a brief wrestling match, it appears that inspiration has, at least temporarily, won. However, laziness is sneaky, and so instead of each part of the book inspiring a post, I'm going with a quick run-through. Maybe it was a tie.

"It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box-office star in America, because every straight girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker."

I found Klosterman's whole section on John Cusack quite hilarious. And I must admit, not that I know the guy, but just going from interviews etc., Cusack seems like a cool guy and I definitely dig him (as a person, not as an actor per se). And one of my favorite movies is "Grosse Pointe Blank". But even though John Cusack ranks very high on "my list" ('celeb future husband list' would that be?!?), I see *no* reason to share a milkshake with him. Can't we each get our own damn milkshake? Sheesh. Oh, and, Klosterman goes on to say that these women are really in love with Cusack because of his Lloyd Dobler character from "Say Anything" - the epitome of ideal romance blah blah blah. Well, for the record, I have never even seen "Say Anything", and frankly I'm afraid to after hearing the way "they" talk about it. From stuff I've heard, it sounds like if I were to watch that movie it would be like some kind of drug and I could never have a relationship measure up and my whole life would somehow be screwed up. That must be one powerful movie!

Man, I did have more stuff to say but it takes too long to quote Klosterman and then go on about why I liked the quote or whatever. And I don't own the book so I can't do it at my leisure. Perhaps I should buy a copy.

One Ring, One Cup (One Bourbon, One Scotch & One Beer)

2007-08-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to sports radio today and I hear this rather interesting story about a Stanley Cup ring found in the waters of Mexico.
Here's a link to a print version of the story... http://news.sympatico.msn.ctv.ca/TopStories/ContentPosting.aspx?feedname=CTV-TOPSTORIES_V2&showbyline=True&newsitemid=CTVNews%2F20070823%2FStanley_Cup_Ring_070823

So they find a ring from the last time the Leafs won a Cup (1967). This reminds me of "Fifty Mission Cap" by The Tragically Hip (hockey & The Hip, does it get anymore Canadian than that...) which describes the story of Bill Barilko. (Basically, he scored an OT goal that won the Leafs the Cup - then he died - his body was recovered 11 years later which was the next time the Leafs won a Cup.)

Now, like a lot of hockey fans, I enjoy a good ribbing of the Leafs. And if you'd asked me earlier today whether they'd win a Cup anytime soon I would have laughed (no offense). But now...spooky...finding that ring is a sign! This is the year!

DVD Delight

2007-08-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

You would never know it from this blog, but I'm a hockey fan. Today I found myself pommerdoodling (see http://interchangeableparts.wordpress.com/ for a definition of this word - or just go there because IPB fucking rocks) over an interview with Trevor Linden. A little background...I once really dug Trevor Linden. Not that I really stopped, but you know how these things go. But this interview was so awesome. First of all, he's very well-spoken. Second of all, he made jokes about Le Tour, doping, cycling, and spandex (apparently Trevor rode in the Alps and did some mountain bike race in Europe in the off-season). Awesome. I think I was going to list some more reasons, but whatever.

Moving away from hockey...and back to Tour related business....today when I got to work I found that the two DVD sets (1999 and 2000 Tours) that I'd ordered had arrived. I've only just started disc 1 of the first set, but felt compelled to write about the little I've seen so far. It begins with that dude (what is his name, that commentator - ah! Phil Liggett - no idea on the spelling, sorry dude - I think Paul Sherwen - same caveat - is also featured) talking about Lance Armstrong (spelled that right, woohoo!) being on top of the world and then it crumbling as he finds out he has cancer in an advanced stage, tumours as big as golf balls in his lungs, and is told by his docs that he has a 20-50% chance to live. Phil goes on to say that actually his doctors didn't think he would live. Then there's a short interview with Lance and then the intro to the prologue starts. It shows some scenery, crowds, etc. and the credits are coming up over top. What made me chortle is that they show a little girl in a stroller in this intro, and she is totally picking her nose. It could be that it's late, I'm tired, I haven't eaten enough...but that just cracked me up. Hello???? Editors???? Proof 'watchers'???

P.S. For those of you who saw the title and thought something along the lines of, "sweet! finally the porn stuff is starting" - ha ha, fooled you again, suckers! (Just kidding...you know...)

Another Tour de France Doping Incident

2007-08-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right, there's another in a long line of incidents.
Who is it this time, you think, as you mentally scroll through a list of names.

It's me. Yes, me. You read it here first.

You see I'm experiencing TdF withdrawal. And why does one experience withdrawal? Because one has developed a dependency. Ergo, I've been doping and it involves Le Tour.

For example, I look at my desktop of the Col du Galibier and I pine for Le Tour. I think of settling down to watch footage (wheelage?) and I experience a twittering of expectation. And this expectation of excitement is then doused by the cold, hard reality that I have no Tour to watch. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that I may still have the final leg of this year's Tour DVR'd. But still.

Now I'm depressed. I guess it's true. Dope is for dopes.

Fun With Food

2007-08-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was recently trying to find something for lunch. Found some homemade humous (however you spell it) and so I looked for some tortilla chips to have with it. I found a previously opened (but sealed) bag and proceeded to eat (the humous & chips, not the bag silly). After the first bite, however, it became obvious that the chips were stale. I consulted the best before date. Well past. More than a month, closer to two. So I say to the person I'm having lunch with, "I think I'm going to need to abandon chip". Yeah, I thought that was pretty clever.

A day or two before that, I was out for dinner. I ordered the gnocchi (it was quite good). The next morning I got this song in my head... "I did it all for the gnocchi, the gnocchi, so you can take your head and shove it up your ...." (to the tune of that Nookie song by Limp Bizkit.)

Culture....Only in Yogurt?

2007-08-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

So I've been reading this book (Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs... A Low Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman) and it may inspire several blog entries. This being the first. And if I don't do others, the last too. Which would make it the only. But anyway...

So I'm reading one particular chapter and I come across this...
"The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you...."
(wait for it...)
"...they like every kind of music 'except country'."

When I read this I think I actually may have blushed. Or something. I think I also looked around furtively to see if anyone knew "my secret". Which would be that I have said a variation of the above on occasion. It was sure a shock to think that *I* could be among the most wretched people in the world. I mean, I'm not always the nicest, but I think that's ok. Anyway, CK goes on to say that "People who say that are boorish and pretentious at the same time."
Damn, and just the other night I was saying I didn't like pretentious guys (people). Now I have to face that label possibly sticking to me along with boorish. Ouch. (He goes on to say that of course this only applies to "new" not "old" country music).

You know, this was all a lot better in my head. I think I even had a point. Oh well. Somebody else take over...

Did you just say...

2007-08-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

Scene: Recently, at a party - a discussion gets around to the topic of choking...

Someone suggests doing what I hear as "The Heimlich Manoeuvre" (making perfect sense). However, another party-goer says, "did you just say *Hindlick* Manoeuvre?!"

And indeed, that is what the person had said. Needless to say, there was a fair bit of laughter and jokes made around this.
I suggested that this "Hindlick Manoeuvre" might indeed help someone to stop choking - in fact, perhaps more effectively than the Heimlich. I think I was visualizing the look on someone's face if that were to happen.

Miss Remiss

2007-08-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

I, probably like many people today (and when I say "today" I do not refer specifically to this day, but in the more general sense of "today's day and age" as they say), have several email accounts. Perhaps there are some who would question this, perhaps they would query if it would not be more simple to have one account. And to them I say, yeah, whatever.
So anyway, in one email account I had 330 new messages. I started recently to go through them. I know other people would just delete anything of lesser importance, but I have some...let's call it a quirk, that sounds like fun - rather than, say, calling it an annoying habit or compulsive behaviour...which means that I will actually go through and read/watch anything other than junk (e.g. "Increase Your Manhood!" - this last bit leads me to think of a line from the movie Dead Man on Campus, "Kick me in the junk!" but I digress, and, as usual, wildly. Yep, I'm a wild digresser.)
So where was I? Oh yes, reading through the beginnings of 330 unread messages. Which does not include ones that I quickly read as they were potentially important/time sensitive but did not turn out to be 'important or time sensitive enough' shall we say to merit my responding immediately. However, I should have responded by now. It's a wonder some of my friends haven't disowned me. Or perhaps they have, but I just haven't gotten to those emails yet. Did I just digress again? Sheesh.
And I chuckle now to think that there really isn't a point to all this anyway. I think this entry is really a metaphor for life, enjoy the journey, not the destination. Hell, if this blog turns into one of those aphorism (is that even the right word?) posters with the gay sayings (sorry, that's probably not PC, give me a break ok, I know I used the word "gay" in a negative fashion, but just let it go) and the cheesy sunrise pictures I will be forced to kill myself. Hell, wouldn't you guys chew off your own arms to escape a fate like that? Man, maybe that's what hell is...eternally trapped in a place where every room is filled with those posters. Which is funny (and when I use "funny" I sometimes mean more "ironic") because just this morning I was saying to myself (not outloud, just in my head) "you're going to hell now forsure". I wonder if anyone just perked up a bit and thought, 'hey, this has some potential, what was GB doing to say something like that?' Nothing that grandiose. Just some impure thoughts during a time that impure thoughts were probably not appropriate. But at the time the hell thing was a bit of a joke, now that I've considered the possibility of aphorism hell, I'm a bit more worried. Anyhoo... you know what, anyhoo is one of those things that I would be willing to bet I'd find super annoying. Yet I use it from time to time and it doesn't seem to annoy me really. Hmm.
Okay, I think this may be my last "point." (And yes, I use that term loosely. Very loosely. Like taking the skin of a full-grown male elephant and putting it on a person loosely. Yeah, that loosely. Behold.) So as I started out saying, I was going through the beginnings of all these unread emails and I came across one for saving money on sending flowers. It expired June 22nd. So I look more closely at the email and realize that yes, in fact the emails I'm going through are from FREAKIN' June. 330 didn't seem so bad. I thought people were just sending a lot of jokes and shit. But now...

Blog Rating

2007-07-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of comments at http://interchangeableparts.wordpress.com/, which if you haven't checked out, well....you're missing out....bigtime - so check it out... I discovered http://mingle2.com/blog-rating which will rate your blog according to the movie rating system.

So I plugged in the trusty URL of Great Blogspectations and.... (drumroll)... (envelope please)...
Great Blogspectations is rated PG-13 - Parents Strongly Cautioned - Some Material May Be Inappropriate for Children Under 13
This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
fucking (3x)
fuck (2x)
pain (1x)

Oh well, better luck next time Great Blogspectations. Guess "muthafuckers" and such didn't show up. I will have to start spelling my profanities in a more proper and correct manner.

Lament on Leaves

2007-07-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

Just in case you're not aware, we are currently in the month of July. In the Northern Hemisphere, July is one of the months of which Summer is composed. However, today during my run, I could not help but notice that there were leaves, leaves that had changed colour, lying on the ground. Leaves changing colour and lying on the ground is considered a property of Fall (Fall, like leaves fall to the ground), otherwise known as Autumn. Now don't get me wrong, I love to run through the fallen leaves on the ground in the Fall, in fact it's a highlight of the running year and I wish we had more of the leaves & in prettier colours, like other areas in the country do. But, I lament seeing this in July. Furthermore, I do not ever recall seeing this EXCEPT IN THE FALL. Damn that Al Gore, this is one of those inconvenient truths. Damn global warming - I'm running over leaves and people in England are swimming across the street. Blimey. This is a spot of bother isn't it? I think I'll go have a cup of tea. Maybe Miss Marple can help solve this issue. Or we can just listen to Fallen Leaves by Billy Talent.

The Heckler Interjects

2007-07-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

ALEJANDRO VALVERDE!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Remember, you should be reading that as Al-leh-han-dro!!!!! Val-vair-day!!! Say it with flourish! Like that dude from Princess Bride [I am...] but done as an over the top melodrama)

(I can't help myself....it's temporary Tourette's)

What a great name....

Vive Le Tour! Part 5

2007-07-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ha ha. I tricked you all. You thought I was off Le Tour but I was just hanging back in the peloton, grimacing as though I was having a rough day, while secretly plotting my big move. (Boy, we'll all be glad when the Tour is over for another year won't we).

17. The names. Like the guy I picked to win. Alejandro Valverde. AL-LEH-HAN-DRO VAL-VAIR-DEY! That's a great name. He even sounds like a winner. Although a guy I know said he sounds like a latin lover. I don't really know much about this Valverde guy, but I love his name. Yeah, this picking winners by name thing explains my great success in wagering on the ponies. But come on...Alejandro Valverde. Is it possible to be in love with a name? Is it possible that was a rhetorical question? Rhetoric. Another cool word. WTF. I think somebody slipped something into my food or drink. Anyway, there are some other cool Tour rider names but I'm gonna have to leave those out because I've decided #17 has to be about VALVERDE. Alejandro.... ah....

18. I miss Robbie McEwen. Yeah, I didn't even know this guy a week and a half ago and now I'm sad he's gone. Here's to you Robbie.

19. The team names. The announcers kind of ruined Cofidis for me. In my mind it sounded really cool but when they say it it just kind of sounds flat. However, Phil (I think) saying Liquigas is pretty funny. It always sounds to me like he's saying Leaky Gas. "The leaky gas team is...." Oh dear. And this really has nothing to do with team names but when the commentators say things like, "ohh, looks like so and so is in a *spot of bother*..." that cracks me up. Here's this guy competing in this crazy ass sporting event and they're going 'oh dear, he's in a spot of bother isn't he? shall we have a nice cuppa then?' Snort.

20. The descents. Holy fuck. Excuse my language but holy fuck. I need some stronger swearing for this. But I'm now remembering some of these Alp descents and I'm having difficulty speaking (you know, speaking through the keyboard). These professional cyclists are crazy ass mutherfuckas. Do you know how fucking fast they go downhill? Very fucking fast, that's how fast. And sometimes they screw up their line and crash. Some of those mountain descents - you go over the side, wow, it's a long way down. A long, long, long, long, long, long long, long way. I can't remember the name of the climb (the Col de something ;) ) but my stomach plummeted just watching them hit the top as the road completely fell away. Wow. Awesome descents. I was scared to death just watching.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming...

2007-07-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

Must be a rest day for the Tour posts.

So here's a snippet from a conversation I had recently...

Them: So I watched this show about this guy who kidnapped women blah blah blah. He would give them pedophiles and paint their toenails and stuff and (xe keeps talking...)

Me: Uh, did you just say "give them *pedophiles*"?

T: (laughing) Yeah, I did. See, I told you I do stuff like that. I meant pedicures...

M: No kidding.

The conversation continued and we got to the point where we were saying our goodbyes....

T: Have a great day!

M: You too.

T: Go get yourself a pedophile!

M: (Shaking head)

Vive Le Tour! Part 4

2007-07-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, these Tour posts are starting to rival the number of stages of the Tour de France.

13. Like taking a trip without leaving the house. I've enjoyed seeing the scenery of the various areas. The aerial shots can be quite spectacular and the broadcasts give some history and so forth.

14. The combination of team and individual in this sport. Each rider is part of a team but there is also a lot of individual stuff that goes on. I suppose you could say the same is true of any other team sport, except that sometimes a group of individuals from different teams will work together. Basically the strategy determines what will happen, so two riders might help one another at one point and do the opposite at another.

15. The different jerseys. By this I mean not only is there the famous "maillot jaune" for the race leader (which can switch backs each day) but also a polka dot king of the mountains jersey (polka dots though??!) and a green jersey and a white jersey for best virgin. (Ok, that last part wasn't *totally* true).

16. Sprints. The sprints at the finish are something to behold. Sometimes parts of the stages can get pretty boring, but near the end it's a crazy mass of bikes and bodies. This can't be captured in words, you need to see it.

Vive Le Tour! Part 3

2007-07-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

9. This sporting event has it all. I've talked about the toughness, the speed, etc., but it also includes eating! Eating is so important, in fact, that on the route map they show the t.v. viewers they include the location of the feed stations. Here people stand with feedbags that the cyclist must grab while zipping by. (And they also must try not to end a sentence with a preposition, all at the same time!) And these cyclists throw stuff into the crowd when they're done with it (e.g. water bottles). I'm just picturing the gleeful dreamlike state I would be in for 2 weeks after the following transpires (screen goes wavy, back in time music)....

TdF cyclist: "Zut! Triple ZUT! Zeye deed not order ze tuna! I vanted ze egg! Ze egg dammit!"
In utter disgust he hucks his tuna sandwich into the crowd. It goes sailing at speeds like that of a baseball pitch but for one GB it is spinning end over end in slow motion. Fascinated, she stares, nay, she gapes, open mouthed, eyes as big as saucers, no - as big as dinner plates! as the sandwich comes ever closer. In the last instance, time returns to normal speed and WHAP! the sandwich smacks her smartly in the forehead, leaving a red mark and a light tuna residue. She picks it up, holds it in her hands, delirious. And for the next 2 weeks she walks around in this state. Except she doesn't hold the sandwich for the whole 2 weeks, that would be gross. Instead she has it coated protectively, like Han Solo frozen in carbonite, and it sits proudly in her sports shrine in a place of special honour from then on. (Fucking prepositions).
And imagine the story she will tell, no party, no social gathering will ever pass without "hey, you know what happened to me once...."

10. Did I mention the scenery yet? I can't remember. This blog moves as fast as a moderately fast stage. But anyway, in one shot in an early stage, they showed this castle. With a moat. I think I'm in love. I am in love. This is my dream to have a place like this. (I am a rock...I am an issssssssland....). A moat! That's too f'ing cool. If there had been a fire-breathing dragon I probably would have collapsed in utter glee. Perhaps if I could afford the castle I would have enough to get me a fire breathing dragon. Or at least one that could get a few flames out every once in awhile.

11. The changing route. Yes, I was that naive re: the tour that I didn't realize it wasn't the same all the time. Oops. But now that I do know, I find this pretty cool. In one way it would be cool to have the exact same route, but it's also kind of neat to shake things up, keep it fresh (like my carbonite tuna sandwich).

12. No weather cancellations. Sweet. See the entry about tough. These athletes don't mess around. Rain delays are for pussies. (That sounded wrong somehow). I hear at one of the shortly upcoming alps stages (maybe they've even started it, I'm a little behind on my watching) there was snow the other day.

Vive Le Tour! Part 2

2007-07-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

5. Robbie McEwen's finish line victory move. They had a little segment on where he got the idea from but at any rate, I was somewhat amused. He does these arm motions like he's running really fast.

6. The involvement of the spectators. They get in the way sometimes which I find funny - can you imagine a pitcher trying to throw a ball around a spectator? A hockey player getting his stick ripped from his hands by a spectator? And for a sport in which the athletes speed by you in moments, it's pretty cool that fans line the roads like that.

7. The toughness. This is a biggie. Nothing against soccer, but when you watch the best in the world writhing around on the field and then getting up as though nothing has happened...
The Tour is like hockey - these guys have these crazy crashes and get all beat up and still continue on unless they are absolutely unable to. Not to mention just the normal pain of riding that far for that long, day after day. Impressive.

8. As one of the commentators puts it (Phil Leggett??) 'we don't want to see crashes but they sure make for good t.v.'. Sure, I don't wish these guys to have terrible crashes and have to withdraw or get seriously injured, but WOW, those crashes are something else. Refer back to point # 7 - these guys are TOUGH.

There is so much more to come...we haven't even gotten into the mountains yet (more dumb TdF "humour").

Vive Le Tour! Part 1

2007-07-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

So I read some of Lance Armstrong's books and he made the Tour de France sound pretty exciting (even though his books don't even focus much on that). So last year (?) (& 2 years ago?) I watched some and was a bit disappointed that it didn't come across quite the same as Lance's descriptions. But there was something there that seemed to have potential so I had thought I'd have to tune in the next year and *really* follow it. So when I saw the ad for the upcoming Tour, I made a note and have been PVRing the broadcasts. There are moments I find rather dull, but I've also kind of fallen for it. Here's a few reasons why...

1. The beauty of the peloton. Especially the aerial shots. Rainbow of colours.

2. How difficult a sporting event it is. I think this year it's about 2,200 miles, including riding over MOUNTAINS.

3. The multinational aspects. For example, teams consists of riders from various countries rather than other sports where particular countries compete against one another. Today I learned that the prizes are in euros (due to the European Union) but the fines are in Swiss Francs (because the governing body is in Switzerland which apparently uses it's own currency still). I just find that funny/cool/interesting. (You know, this post was a lot funnier/cooler/more interesting in my head).

4. The speed involved. On bikes going 40+k/25+mph. Wow. It makes me think of when you watch world class marthoners. They are holding a pace that is the equivalent to my sprint pace, but over 26.2 miles! WTF!?! That's messed up.

Well that's the prologue complete. Look for more stages to follow... (that's some TdF humour)

Musing on Mousse

2007-07-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago I ran out of mousse (for my hair - not the chocolate kind, who'd ever run out of that?!) so I went to get more. I found the same kind but with a new name/packaging. So I adopted a bottle by paying the adoption fee and brought it to its' new home. No more having to sit on a shelf with all kinds of other mousse and hair care products - now it would have a brand new home on top of my dresser. (That's a set of drawers that you keep clothes in, not a person who dresses me - although the latter might be kind of cool).

Now you may be thinking, wow, like the shoe thing wasn't bad enough, now we're reading drivel about your hair product buying and, to add insult to injury, just when we think it has potential because you allude to having a personal dresser, we find out it's just a chest of drawers. But, just like when you bring a puppy home from the pound, my mousse adoption didn't go entirely smoothly....

The first time I went to use it, I could not get any mousse to come out. Eventually it did work but I had a fleeting thought about how healthy that was - fleeting image of an explosion due to a glitch in the packaging or something. I did consider returning the mousse and bringing home a different one, but I didn't want to hurt the mousse's feelings. How nice is that being replaced so callously?

Time went by and my mousse seemed to become more coooperative. I think I forgot about the exploding possibilities. They became just a distant echo in the recesses of my mind. And eventually found out what else was lurking there and got too scared to even echo.

But then, the other night, I was getting ready to head out for the evening and my mousse again refused to cooperate. This is frustrating to me. I'm not one of those people who spends a lot of time doing their hair. I spray in leave in conditioner, I put in the mousse, and then myself and my wet hair hit the road. My entire hair doing routine takes a minute (I know, that's probably nothing to brag about. It reminds me of a friend... someone would say [proudly] "I got this haircut for $6!" and my friend would say [with a glorious expression on xe's face], "There's no need to point out the obvious." Ha ha, BURN! But anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming. I'm sure the suspense is killing you.) So the reason I mention my quick hair routine is that once that mousse goes in, the hair part of getting ready is done, so when it doesn't work, this is an irksome delay.

So I fiddle with the mousse bottle, trying to make it work. All of a sudden there's this weird noise - kind of a compressed air suddenly being released kind of noise - and I think I see something tiny go flying across the room and then the mousse works. That is to say that my hand is suddenly filled with mousse. Now it's probably a good amount to use, but I generally go pretty easy with the mousse. Got up the next morning and my hair pretty much still looked done, guess that's alright. But the point is, I'm a bit concerned that the mousse bottle will one day explode and my face will be filled with shrapnel. Besides the obvious suckitude (I think I stole that word) of that, oh! the disfigurement!, I would then be traumatized and going into a drugstore or hair salon would make me fall to the ground, flailing wildy & screaming while intermittently yelling, "take cover! take cover!" while other patrons worriedly grabbed their children to shepherd them away from the crazy person waxing the floor with her own body. And I'm sure my hair would look terrible too, just increasing the crazy person image. Then I'd probably end up in a mental institution, rocking in the corner while self-flagellating with a hairbrush.

Life Ring

2007-07-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

After my attempted drowing (http://blogspectations.blogspot.com/2007/06/fool-in-rain.html), I was out on the same route with a walking partner. We encountered a section that was packed with parked cars - a garage sale (sans garage) - I guess that makes it a yard sale. Whatever, let's not get lost in the details. As we walk past, he points out one of those big red life preserver things - mocking me for having been nearly drowned. So I told him my take on the 911 conversation (commentor Sid inspired my comment in the Fool in the Rain post). He was quite amused. Now I'm wondering if that whole yard sale was inspired by my near drowning. Can't you just see it?.....

"Maude" Honey, we should really have a yard sale. We have no use for so much of this stuff and others could benefit! We'll have less clutter AND we'll have helped other people get something they could use.

"Maude's Partner" Come on dear, this is a bunch of junk. Face facts. No one wants any of this crap.

"M" Oh really?! What about that poor girl who ran by the other day. She nearly drowned! You don't think she could've used that life preserver from your father's boat???

"MP" (grudgingly) I suppose you have a point there. Sigh. Let's do it then.

"M" I'll make some signs!

Madcap Movies

2007-06-29T17:12:00.001-07:00

This may need to be a regular blog feature...

I am scanning through what's on t.v. I click info to see the descriptions of movies. One catches my eye and inspired this...

The title is Sassy Sue. That sounds pretty bad right there...I'm not sure I can even articulate why (and I shouldn't need to, I mean, c'mon!). Sassy Sue?! Sounds like porno-light or something. But that's not my point. Here's the description...

"A chicken farmer seems to spend too much time with his prize cow."

Okay, for starters, a movie about a chicken farmer with a prize cow. Like that's not enough right there. But secondly, the word "seems". He "seems" to spend too much time with his cow? Wow.

I'm tempted to watch this movie just because of the crazy-ass description. That would be taking one for the team. I'm not sure I can manage it. We'll see.

Fool in the Rain

2007-06-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's a very favourite Zeppelin song, and it's also the subject of today's blog.

So I go out for a run - the weather has been a bit confused, but it seems pretty good, lots of patches of blue sky and sun. Very quickly that goes away. No big deal.
It starts to drizzle. No big deal.
Pretty soon it's raining steadily. Not such a big deal.
I think you can see where this is headed...

It starts moving into the realm of pouring. And I mean pouring. I'm wearing a light running jacket and the arms are soaked through (ick) so once I'm at the point where I move from walking to running I take it off and tie it around my waist. I wonder how many people were driving by and thinking, "you idiot! you have a jacket, why aren't you wearing it!?"

Pretty soon I am soaked. I mean like I've been in the shower with clothes on (and yes, I would know, so there, shut it). I can feel the weight of my sopping clothing. Hey, this is good right? It's like running with weights. What a workout! I know it must be bad because someone driving by slows down and lowers the window to offer me a ride.

The rain continues - now torrential. I get even more soaked. Other than a couple of dry(ish) patches here and there, I now look like I've definitely been in the shower, but more likely in the bath. If it were horse racing 'bath' would be 3-1 and 'shower' would be 15-1.

A fire department vehicle going the other direction stops, the man driving offers me a ride. (Let me clarify, this isn't a fire truck on it's way to a fire or anything, it's just a vehicle painted in red that says Fire Department-whatever stuff all over it and has sirens and shit.) The guy driving calls me ma'am. Hey buddy, you are way older than me, cool it with the ma'am stuff. He also is snarky, all, "guess you need a ride huh, dumb twit got caught in the rain" type of thing. I am super polite but decline. I'm in running gear with headphones and the whole bit, I'm not running with a newspaper over my head to the closest shelter here, c'mon. Anyway, I think the only reason he offered me a ride was because he saw how soaked I was and went, "hey, she could put out a fire like nobody's business! Throw her on there and vooomffff, flames gone! The chief will give me a promotion if I bring in this sure-fire (no pun intended?) human extinguisher." Sorry about the promotion buddy. Better luck next time.

I continued on with my regular route, not really minding the soaked-ness that much. In truth, my main concern was, hmmm, just how see-through would my shirt be right now? That particular issue took up a fair bit of my attention. Especially as it seemed that for some reason the traffic level was higher than usual. And I was wearing a pale coloured t-shirt.

I made it home, having somehow managed to get even more soaked by that point. As I walked inside I could hear that "squoosh squooosh" noise. I looked in the mirror, observed the level of see through, decided it wasn't great but that I would be able to show my face again (preferably only my face in the future though) and struggled to remove my wet clothing. I kid you not, my little t shirt weighed about 5lbs. After I finished my arms hurt. Honestly. Like, more than they do after the gym. Yeah, how sad is that.

The Lights Are On - Is Anybody Home?

2007-06-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

This event occurred many years ago so I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. Not that they matter anyway.

Awaiting a visitor that was going to pick us up and take us...somewhere (see above).
Time kept on ticking, ticking, ticking, into the future (ok, I totally stole that) and we were wondering where this person was. Well, more accurately, we weren't really wondering where xe was but why xe was not where xe was supposed to be, which was picking us up.

I can't remember why we decided to check outside, but we did. And to what did our wandering eyes appear (yep, stole that too)? The very person we were waiting for, sitting there in her car. WTF?

We are puzzled. We walk up to the car, the woman looks rather cranky, and as we ask, "why didn't you ring the doorbell?!?" she blurts out, "well I kept coming up to the door to do so, then you'd flash the light to signal me so I'd get back in the car, and then you buggers kept doing it to me over and over!" She announces this is an immensely frustrated tone. We are flabbergasted. Flashing the light at you! Oh dear. We then had to explain that the 'light we were flashing' is this new fangled technology, something called a sen-sor light (we couldn't help but be sarcastic now could we - notice how I didn't put a question mark at the end of that, obviously we couldn't, that was rhetorical, I mean come on).

Ah, I laugh even now thinking about it.

"The Pedestrian, 2003"

2007-06-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

I watched a strange movie recently. The Pedestrian.
The description I saw before watching said something about a traffic light controller searching for love through looking at people's feet. Something like that. It sounded quirky.

So it turns out that the main character has a serious foot fetish. He goes to the mall and pretends to be a researcher so he can ask "survey" questions to women about their feet and shoes. I almost stopped watching at that point. No offense foot fetishists.

But I didn't stop watching and it got worse from there. Yes, be warned, there was a gratuitous 'masturbation to his shoe altar' scene. ***Breaking Great Blogspectations Programming Note*** It is at this moment that I suddenly thought to myself, holy freakin' crap, this is &^%$&*# about shoes again! This is ceasing to be a "oh ha ha, what a coincidence" thing and turning into a "how come shoes keep cropping up into everything i'm starting to really get scared oh but that's silly you're overreacting it's nothing but ohmigod why" thing. ARGH.

So where was I? Right, the shoe freak. OH HELL, I meant the guy in the movie. This is just creepy now. So I was going to continue on with describing the plot of the movie but I just don't even want to now. Stupid shoes. (Stomps off, muttering to self....)

The Elastic Oh-no Band

2007-06-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

So I'm putting my hair into a ponytail. I reach for an elastic band and it's a real old one, all stretched out. I think to myself, you should just throw this one out, use a newer one. Then some other part of myself (the cheap part? the lazy part? the part that does not want to be labelled, so quit it!) argues the first part out of it. So with one hand I have my hair gathered and I go to affix the elastic (fascinating detail about putting your hair up, thanks so much - eye roll) and it SNAPS. I was already in a bit of a cranky mood, so I didn't think too much about it, but it seemed to me there was some sort of life lesson there.

Shoe-na-bomber

2007-06-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

This is pretty random. I got to thinking about some things that I don't like. Silly things that can be annoying. I should probably have a Top 10 list or something, but all I have are 2 1/2 things. Yeah, that's right, 2 1/2.

1) I'm not cool enough (or lame enough, take your pick) to know what these shoes are called, but I've been seeing a plethora of them and I just don't see the attraction. Please see exhibit A (I found the picture on the internet, I apologize profusely if I have violated any copyright laws or anything like that).

Exhibit A

2) F-bombs. I don't know why, but this one just aggravates me. "He was peppering the conversation with F-bombs..." "This guy drops enough F-bombs..." Stop it. LAME.

1/2) That I have somehow managed YET AGAIN to talk about shoes. How?!? Whyyyyyyyyy?!?

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

2007-06-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, despite what the title might imply I haven't gotten in a lover's spat and killed said lover.

Nor am I writing this posthoumously because of being the one killed in a spat by said lover.

And no, I wasn't summing up quick foreplay followed by quick sex in 2 words x 2 with a comma in between either.

And no, this isn't a review of a recent adult film. I mean, yes, it is, keep reading!

In fact, the title refers to a television program featuring short films. I watched 3.

First one was called, 'How To Tell A Relationship is Over'. I put that title in single quotes because I later saw it listed as 'How To Tell A Relationship is Over in 90 Seconds'. But I think we can all rest assured that the film is about the signs that a relationship is over. Moving on (ha ha). This one was very short (but more than 90 seconds unless my sense of time is really skewed - maybe the film shows that the relationship is actually over after only 90 seconds and the rest is just showing the...what's the word I'm looking for here...the beating of a dead horse). Quick vignettes of a couple in a kitchen interspersed with black screen shots with phrases such as "Now It's War." (I'm not sure I should have quoted that either, it may not be 100% accurate. But you get the drift.) [Where does the punctuation go, in the bracket? Outside of it? I don't care to be honest, deal with it]. It kind of reminded me of that Pina Colada song but without the happy ending. This couples personal's ads didn't rekindle the magic as far as I could tell. Oh, one of the phrases featured on the black screen shot was something like, "Finding The Dead Pigeon" (oh bloody hell, that should be in single quotes I suppose but screw it - the punctuation/quotation I mean, not the dead pigeon, what kind of freak are you?? Sheesh). It then flashed to the couple in the kitchen staring at a dead pigeon, poking it (with a pencil I think it was) and declaring that it was dead. I suppose that was put in to illustrate some sort of symbiosis with their relationship but whatever. I kind of like thinking of it as random, because inserting the dead pigeon bit into any film surely makes for great comedy. (And I dislike when people overanalyze novels or movies, making every little thing into some grand theme - I am struck by the way the author of this post's use of single quotes mirrors the breakdown of the couple -the double quotes-....yeah, I'm kidding).

Second short was called "The Silent Treatment". Begins with someone lying in bed, camera pans over to the phone which begins to ring. Hungover man answers, his girlfriend has already picked up to take the call from her friend. He goes downstairs and tries to figure out why his gf is mad at him. She doesn't say a word throughout the short. Like a woman could keep quiet for that long! Whoops, was that out loud? Shit. Um, anyway, the gf is cleaning up after a dinner party and the bf just keeps talking to try and find out what he did wrong. He thinks the friend on the phone told his gf something so he is going through some possibilities. In doing so he ends up confessing to various things and of course it turns out each time that what he has confessed is not what the gf was mad at but I'm sure the additional material did not make it any more likely that the magic would be rekindled. (I got tired of trying to describe this crap and just used something from the paragraph on the 1st short, yeah, that's right, take that).

Third, and perhaps the most interesting, this short film was in Spanish (I think) but subtitled. Called 10 Minutes. Man calls his cellphone customer service line to try and find out what # his phone called at 7:35 that day. Soon why he wants to know is revealed and the film revolves around his interaction with the customer service agent. The title refers to the fact that customer service calls are cut off after 10 minutes.

Abandon Ship! Er..I Mean, Shoes

2007-06-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

So something fairly insignificant happened the other day that I thought I might blog about. Thought about it a couple times since, and was about to start writing tonight, when I realized something.
You know that stereotype about women and shoes? I don't really know how to put it in one sentence form, but, in a nutshell, it might be "women are gaga over shoes". Well, I am not one of those women. Why do I bring this up? Because I realized that I recently did blog about shoes, and this blog I was beginning tonight also features shoes. Isn't that ironic? (Is it ironic? That irony can be a tricky thing, just ask Alanis Morissette - sorry, not sure if that's spelled right. Although, when people get on their high horse and point out that her song Ironic isn't actually about irony, hence what a fuck up she is - I thought, hey, maybe that's part of the shtick..'hey, I'll write a song about irony, but the instances I detail won't actually be examples of irony, that would be ironic!' Man, I've forgotten what irony is at this point. That was quite the digression.)

So anyway, the other day I was walking down the street approaching an intersection. Being the conscientious girl that I am, I stopped at the light and pressed the button to trigger the walk signal at the crosswalk. It was then that I noticed a pair of shoes. Abandoned it seemed. Not directly at the edge of the sidewalk (that would have been kind of cool, like someone just vanished right as they were about to cross the street, swept right up and out of their shoes - ok, I'm scaring myself now, ack) but a bit off to the side, near the post with the crossing signal on it. The heels of said shoes were pushed down, and I could see those Dr. Scholls insoles (just the few $ ones, nothing extravagant). The insoles looked pretty new. So as I said at the start, one would likely say this is pretty insignificant. But I found it kind of interesting. I found myself musing over the story behind the abandoned shoes as I waited to cross the street. Maybe that's what I should blog about. Or maybe that would make a cool story idea. Hmmm.

FUCK. I was considering adding a picture to this, you know, help with the mood of the piece, when I realized that the picture on my blog page is of shoes! Holy shit, what is with this shoe thing! Is it my biological destiny? I don't have that stereotypical gaga for shoes thing but it cannot be fully repressed so it expressed itself unconsciously? I do like running shoes. Getting new running shoes... well, not the getting, that sucks ass, but wearing new running shoes rocks.

Anything But Be

2007-06-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

So at this point you may be wondering, has GB taken to channeling Yoda? (Anything but be, yesssss). The answer is no, that is not what the title refers to. I think at this point you should proceed immediately to the comments section, do not read the rest of the blog yet, and do not collect $200 until you get your "get out of the comments section" free card. Go there and tell me what you think the title might refer to. It'll be fun, really. Then you can read the rest of the post - but not before. Go. Now.

Welcome back.
Awhile ago I purchased a Supertramp greatest hits CD. I then used this great free program called Quintessential Player http://www.quinnware.com/ to convert the songs to mp3's so that I can listen to them along with the rest of my computer collection on my mp3 player. Yeah, that's right, I'm not cool enough to own an iPod. So anyway, I like some Supertramp songs but I wouldn't say I'm a fan or know that much about the band or anything. But one day I'm listening to my mp3 player while I plod along (I plod, it's almost like iPod you see) and I hear a Supertramp song and I check the title of said song scrolling across the display of my player. It says "Anything But Be". And I think, hmm, that's odd. And then I thought a bit about how that would be funny if that wasn't the real title yada yada (zzzzz) and then promptly forgot about it. However, I recently was removing that song from my player and so I Googled it and found that indeed, as one would expect, the song is entitled "Anything But Me". And I thought, wow, this would make a good blog post! Boy was I wrong, huh. It was Anything But.

< Insert Clever Title Here >

2007-06-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

So CNN is showing a story on a certain someone going to jail. (You know who I mean, I refuse to type her name in this blog, it would be forever tainted. Ick.)
There was no volume, but it generated a discussion about troubled celebs (e.g. LL & BS).
So I find myself involved in this useless discussion. Me. (Shakes head). It's truly a miracle that I didn't slit my wrists right then and there and that I'm here writing this blog now.

Fortunately, the discussion quickly turned to the infamous shots of a couple of these celebs' crotches. One of the discussants stated firmly and in a somewhat judgmental tone that there was simply no excuse for these people not wearing underwear. Rather quickly (if I do say so myself) I managed the following rejoinder:

"She wanted to support the troops so she thought she should go commando."

This resulted in peals of laughter and questions as to whether I had made that up myself right on the spot. Indeed I had. (Yeah, I'm pretty proud).

Yeah, it might not be that great but what do you want from me - there was already one miracle here today, don't push it.

Wok With GB

2007-06-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

First off, sorry about the title.

So tonight had all the drama of Iron Chef, but in my very own kitchen.
Really, you ask? Who'd you take on, Iron Chef Japan?

Well, um, no, not...exactly. But what I did do was make a stirfry. And the secret ingredient was (drumroll please)... various vegetables. And the competition was... none other than myself.

Now I know you're probably thinking at this point, Iron Chef this is not. However, I did use a cast IRON frying pan for some of it and I CHEFfed. I rest my case. And I did all that without wearing a stupid hat. So there.

So it actually started out innocently enough as a regular old exercise in cooking dinner. Yawn. But obviously some kind of frenzy must have overtaken me, because I crammed so many vegetables (yes, various ones) into that stir fry...

Let's count, shall we? (That was a rhetorical question, get counting you lazy asses! NOW!!)

1. Carrots
2. Cauliflower
3. Parsnip
4. Leeks
5. Red Pepper
(Don't panic, just continue counting using your other hand. If you only have one hand, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to poke fun at you or anything, sorry about the tragic loss of your hand. If it wasn't tragic, make something up.)
6. Yellow Pepper
7. Broccoli
8. Snow Peas
9. Zucchini
10. Bean Sprouts

Damn, is that it? This is the first time I counted so I really had no idea how this was going to go. Yeah, that's right, I just blog on the fly like that, I'm crazy that way. WILD!

A ha! I just remembered! You'd better pull out your toes now. Not literally for the love of god! I just meant to count on! (I'll have to remember that as a line though, "your blog makes me want to pull out my own toes").

11. Asparagus

I also used tofu, but I don't think one can count that as a vegetable. And yes, I know, ewww, tofu, but relax, I know how to cook - the tofu was just fine. I also used a hoisin sauce. And it was all served over fresh chinese noodles. One of the people who I deigned to share with started making cracks about how I knew they were chinese noodles. I bet you think I then beat him repeatedly with said noodles, but no, I did not. As John Cusack's character in Grosse Pointe Blank said, "I don't want to get into a big semantic argument about it, I just want the protein." Except in this case perhaps it's the carbs. But I think you smart readers get the gist.

And yes, in case you're wondering, I am still sitting here going, 'hmm, was that really all the vegetables? Surely there was something else...'

Of Dogs and Men

2007-06-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

So recently a female acquaintance says to me, "hey, I don't know if you're in the available dating pool or not, but if you're into it, I know this guy named _____ (whatever it was) who has a great dog named _____ (Cisco?) and he's single!"

I reply, "who is, the dog or the guy?"

I mean really, I've heard women complain about having dated some dogs, but getting set up with an actual canine is pushing it.

On a secondary note, you gotta love the high-tech matching system she's utilizing. This guy (yes, in case you hadn't figured it out, it was the guy she was trying to set me up with - well him with his dog thrown in as a bonus prize) is single - wow, what a qualification. Really? A single guy? I had no idea they existed! I can't believe you found one - set me up! (Now you should picture that "so happy together" song playing with a slow-mo video of me and this guy holding hands running through a field of flowers while the dog romps nearby - don't forget to picture the big idiotic grins we're sporting - and by we I mean all 3 of us).

A Bird in the House is Worth A Fish Tale or Two

2007-05-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

I recently walked into a house and found one of the occupants engaged in trying to catch a bird that was attempting to escape through a large window.

Let me clarify, the window was not one of the opening variety, and thus the bird could not escape. (And no, I do not know of which variety the bird was, or is). The human, realizing this (that the bird could not escape, not that I didn't know its variety), wished to grab the bird and place xe (I stole this from Leper Pop, it rocks, and so will you if you visit the site - http://leperpop.blogspot.com/ - xe being a great way of resolving the s/he issue) outside.

Let me clarify some more. I knew the occupant - I am not in the habit of walking into stranger's houses. Although now that I mention that I'm thinking it might be interesting. But that would be a wild digression at this point.

So the bird was freed after some frantic kerfuffleing (so sue me) and barely did xe reach the open patio door before xe had zipped off like a shot over the deck railing. This got me thinking about the bird returning home and the stories xe would have.
"You wouldn't believe the day I had!" xe would exclaim.
And I pictured the story getting a little more exaggerated as xe went on. Now, I'm no bird, so how the hell do I know what the story might resemble, but here goes...

Henry (I have no idea why I just named the bird that) swoops into the nest-home area (man, I need to learn more about birds methinks) and lands in a kerfuffle. Panting, gasping, Henry is eager to tell xe's tale. His family, despite his rather violent arrival, seem non-plussed. He awaits their attention, clearing his bird throat in consternation when this does not come to pass. After several tut tuts, Henry's mate, seemingly not in response to the tut-tutting, but as though she's just realized that Henry is there, begins to make small talk. One of Henry's offspring gives a bored roll of the eyes in Henry's direction while another cocks xe's head in an effort to look attentive.

"Yes, yes," Henry interrupts, "but you won't believe what happened to me! There I was flying along, minding my own business, when all of a sudden - I don't know if there was pond scum in the water I had this morning or what - but I found myself in some sort of strange world where I could see normally but when I'd try to fly forward I kept crashing into this invisible barrier!" (Henry's family look incredulous and suspicious - but Henry doesn't notice this, as xe is so wrapped up in xe's story).
"Then, as though that wasn't bad enough, some giant creature began attacking me..." (Here Henry looks to his family for expressions of sympathy on their little faces, and feels immensely affronted when xe doesn't find this to be the case, causing him to try to increase the oomph-factor of the story). "When I say creature, what I really mean to say is that it was a whole pack of cats, all working together, pawing at me, 100's of them! 100's!!!" (For a second Henry's family had begun to sympathize but it quickly passes and Henry can tell that they don't believe). His tale increases in size in a strident attempt to get the requisite reaction that Henry so deserves after the trials of xe's day.

Fast forward to days later...by this time Henry is driving his whole community nuts with his wild tales. As other birds fly about their business, muttered chirps can be heard:
"...ridiculous, 100 cats..."
"that Henry, such a..."
"preposterous nonsense..."

Theatre Talk

2007-05-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a live theatre production. That sounds a little highbrow doesn't it? I'll give it to you straight - I went to a play.

The play was about several women's experiences around, basically, having babies. Or perhaps more accurately, reproductive issues or something like that. ("Accurate" and "something like that" in one sentence - I astound even myself with this sloppy communication.) Now this topic (reproduction, babies) is not exactly up my alley. (Why does that sound dirty to me?) But a friend of mine was in the play which is how I ended up going to see it. (Don't stop reading yet, I'm gonna drop some sports talk soon. [That was like when you're watching t.v. and they say 'and coming up after the break..' - a teaser.] )

So this play thing (unlike other play things, ha ha hahahaha ;) ) worked out better than expected. First of all, shortly into the play, my friends' character is in labour and in the chair beside her you see a man's jacket. Okay, that's not such a great thing I realize, but I'm getting there. So the nurse comes in and the woman gives this big speech about how her husband will be right back and he wants to share in this experience so much yada yada. Then some other stuff happens and the nurse comes back to check in again. This is where the comedy kicks in. Instead of the confident "my husband is so into this!", we now see the woman looked rather angsty (if that's not a word, too bad, I'm using it anyway) and she asks the nurse if there are any t.v.'s between her room and the cafeteria, where her husband had gone only for a moment, he didn't want to miss a minute you know, because he's so into this. The nurse says there are, and the woman says, 'oh no, the Leafs are playing tonight aren't they' with such a worried look on her face - the audience cracks up. (I did later think, why's it always have to be the Leafs! But then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I should be thankful just to have had a mention of hockey in a play such as this one and to not get greedy.)

So anyway, there was also a teen girl having a baby and she brought the comedy as well. The audience was loving her. Her screamed exclamations of "oh shit that hurts!!!" brought quite the chuckles especially as they contrasted so well with the other more serious women. All the women also did little vignettes in which they spoke aloud their inner thoughts - I think there's a name for that in theatre - solliquay? I especially liked the first half, the second half got more into the issues side of things (the play was meant to be eductional) as we heard the women express the pain of not being able to have children, of making choices between abortion or adoption, and some of the issues around surrogacy, egg donation, etc. All the actors were fabulous. I was impressed.

So after the curtain, the actors and director and some other person whose job description I can't be bothered to give a name to all sat down on the edge of the stage to interact with the audience. That was some good times. Two highlights in particular.

One, an older woman started going on and on about teenage pregnancy - she was blathering more than anything but it came across that teens should really give up their babies because of course they'd grow up in poverty, single-parented, etc. I think I could feel discomfort in the air. Soon after a woman in the front row blasted this woman, saying that she had been a teenage mom, she was 27 now and had 4 kids and she's a damn good mother and that sort of thing. There were no fisticuffs.

Second, a man in the audience (yes, there were some - all related to the actors in the play perhaps - that sounds like a generalization, but all the ones I saw were) made a series of positive comments about the play, adding that it was the first time he realized he wasn't a woman. That got some chuckles for a moment before he went on to explain that he knew he was a man, he wasn't suffering from a gender identity crisis of some kind, it was just that it suddenly hit him that women have to deal with these issues just due to being born female. Now normally I would roll my eyes and think something along the lines of, 'wow, this guy's really milking this sensitive guy thing, wonder how often that strategy gets him laid', but this time I actually found the comment interesting.

I guess I'll have to find a play about men's reproductive issues now to balance things out.

Name Explanations (like lame explanations, only less lame)

2007-05-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

Movie ends. Credits begin rolling. I happen to notice one of the names of the crew.

Wait for it...

....

September Death.

Hmm, did September's parents give him/her that name? If not, why did s/he change it to that. Did s/he lose a bet? I could google it, perhaps some information exists, but isn't it more fun this way, speculating on how such a name came to be?

I imagine the ninth month (does quick mental check, September is the 9th month right?, man, I'll look like an idiot if it isn't..) of each year must be pretty interesting for Ms./Mr. September Death. Or perhaps the first 8 months are filled with dread and the last 3 a wild party to celebrate having gotten through another September without having ceased to have a pulse.

You know what would be interesting... (yeah, someone else's blog - hey!!! cut that out) ...to have a contest to come up with the best explanation for why September Death was so named. If anyone actually read this blog, I'd hold such a contest. I mean come on, it wouldn't be very fair if I held it right now, I'd have way too good odds of winning.

Belated Birthday Bonanza

2007-05-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

I got a birthday card today. This is to be noted as my birthday is in March.
Here is an excerpt from the hand-written message inside the card:
"This is a severely retarded birthday wish! All the best to you always."

You're right! That is a severely retarded wish! All the best to you always?! How dumb is that!

Now I realize that by "severely retarded" they meant, "really late", but when you read that as a line...I mean, come on.
Actually, "all the best to you always" is a pretty good sentiment don't you think? I mean, why ever wish anyone anything again? You've already wished them all the best always, what's left??? That's right, nothing! You've covered all the wishes, gifts, etc. for the rest of time in one fell swoop.

Geometric Figures a.k.a. could you make the title any more boring?

2007-05-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

Watched the movie Cube². Isn't that clever? ... cube, squared. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285492/ I wonder what they'll call the third one!

After watching Cube² I then watched the first 5 mins of Cube and it seemed pretty similar. The premise is someone wakes up in a strange cube room and soon discovers there are others there and no one knows what's going on or how they got there. They begin to investigate and of course encounter some crazy shit.

I liked the simplicity of the movie. Limited number of characters all stuck together in one place. They probably could have done a lot more in terms of character development though. Pretty shallow I thought. I think I enjoyed the premise more than the actual movie. At the beginning when the first character wakes up and then encounters another character you're thinking 'hey, this has some potential'. Like a racehorse, it broke well and led the field, but fell off in the stretch run.

Designer Shoe Drivel

2007-05-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

I have a pair of Tommy Hilfiger sandals. I couldn't care less about the name, I just wanted brown sandals and these worked and weren't too expensive. Today, said shoes were upside down (I wasn't wearing them at the time) and I happened to notice that the tread consists of all these little raised TH's cleverly combined into a little logo. Alright, alright, I suppose I should have an image of this. Man, the things I do for you people.

So I have no point. You may have guessed that from the word "drivel" in the title. I just thought it was interesting that someone(s) paid that much attention to detail and had the bottom of the shoe designed that way.