Email Capers

No, this is not a directive. Do not read the title of this post as "Readers of this blog, please email me some capers." Please. Do not. Although with the number of people who read this blog, I'd be lucky to get one caper. But I digress. Wildly. Inanely.

Here is a recent email exchange:

Sent to me....

"---Women,---
---are like apples---
---on trees. The best ones---
---are at the top of the tree.---
---The boys don't want to reach---
-for the good ones because they're--
-afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong with them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right man to
--- come along, the one who's-
--- brave enough to---
---climb all---
---the way---
---to the top---
---of the tree.---"

(Okay, so along with this email I get the following note....)

"I believe your the creme de la creme :)"

(Now, if you've made it through that apple/women shit, I congratulate you heartily. I don't know who wrote that thing, but I'm laying odds it was a sad female owner of 472 cats who got delusional. Anyway, here was my response to the "creme" comment...)

"creme de la creme...is that like a REALLY rotten apple?!?! so rotten it's CREAMY?!?! ohmigod! you just called me easy!!! i'm going to get you! i'm going to fall on your head from WAAAAY up here on the top of this FRICKIN' HUGE apple tree!!!! ENJOY BEING UNCONSCIOUS, FUCKWAD!"

Miss Remiss

I, probably like many people today (and when I say "today" I do not refer specifically to this day, but in the more general sense of "today's day and age" as they say), have several email accounts. Perhaps there are some who would question this, perhaps they would query if it would not be more simple to have one account. And to them I say, yeah, whatever.
So anyway, in one email account I had 330 new messages. I started recently to go through them. I know other people would just delete anything of lesser importance, but I have some...let's call it a quirk, that sounds like fun - rather than, say, calling it an annoying habit or compulsive behaviour...which means that I will actually go through and read/watch anything other than junk (e.g. "Increase Your Manhood!" - this last bit leads me to think of a line from the movie Dead Man on Campus, "Kick me in the junk!" but I digress, and, as usual, wildly. Yep, I'm a wild digresser.)
So where was I? Oh yes, reading through the beginnings of 330 unread messages. Which does not include ones that I quickly read as they were potentially important/time sensitive but did not turn out to be 'important or time sensitive enough' shall we say to merit my responding immediately. However, I should have responded by now. It's a wonder some of my friends haven't disowned me. Or perhaps they have, but I just haven't gotten to those emails yet. Did I just digress again? Sheesh.
And I chuckle now to think that there really isn't a point to all this anyway. I think this entry is really a metaphor for life, enjoy the journey, not the destination. Hell, if this blog turns into one of those aphorism (is that even the right word?) posters with the gay sayings (sorry, that's probably not PC, give me a break ok, I know I used the word "gay" in a negative fashion, but just let it go) and the cheesy sunrise pictures I will be forced to kill myself. Hell, wouldn't you guys chew off your own arms to escape a fate like that? Man, maybe that's what hell is...eternally trapped in a place where every room is filled with those posters. Which is funny (and when I use "funny" I sometimes mean more "ironic") because just this morning I was saying to myself (not outloud, just in my head) "you're going to hell now forsure". I wonder if anyone just perked up a bit and thought, 'hey, this has some potential, what was GB doing to say something like that?' Nothing that grandiose. Just some impure thoughts during a time that impure thoughts were probably not appropriate. But at the time the hell thing was a bit of a joke, now that I've considered the possibility of aphorism hell, I'm a bit more worried. Anyhoo... you know what, anyhoo is one of those things that I would be willing to bet I'd find super annoying. Yet I use it from time to time and it doesn't seem to annoy me really. Hmm.
Okay, I think this may be my last "point." (And yes, I use that term loosely. Very loosely. Like taking the skin of a full-grown male elephant and putting it on a person loosely. Yeah, that loosely. Behold.) So as I started out saying, I was going through the beginnings of all these unread emails and I came across one for saving money on sending flowers. It expired June 22nd. So I look more closely at the email and realize that yes, in fact the emails I'm going through are from FREAKIN' June. 330 didn't seem so bad. I thought people were just sending a lot of jokes and shit. But now...