You Know The Economy's Bad When...

So I see this furniture commercial that begins with voiceover and giant red titles,
"Big Chest Sale!"
Of course I can't help but picture large breasted women getting deals. And others, "sorry M'am, you don't qualify".
What can I say... my mind...

I Have Some Funny Friends

So I sometimes go to this yoga class. I don't love the instructor (she's "ok") but the class time/location is convenient. So I have two friends who rarely go but do so once in awhile so they know the class/instructor. For some unknown reason, the instructor always seems to pick on Friend 1 when they attend. So one day the three of us (me & the two friends) are all hanging out and myself and Friend 1 are telling Friend 2 about how the instructor picks on Friend 1. One of the really annoying things about the instructor is that she will say things to Friend 1 like, "wow, you are REALLY tight" (when clearly it's not that they're tight but just that they aren't understanding the pose). So Friend 3 (female in case it matters) says in response, "just say to her (the instructor), 'what, you jealous?'"

Can you picture it?...
"Wow, you are REALLY tight!"
"Jealous?"

That totally cracked me up.

Signs For Sick Minds

As you near the parking lot entrance for a place I run at regularly, there is a sign similar to the above. I don't notice it so much anymore, but for awhile every time I saw it I would snicker and make pelvic thrust motions to indicate a "speed hump". Yes, I have the mind of a 14 year old boy. No, that's not fair, I apologize to the 14 year old boys of the world.

The Long and The Short of It

So again from the recent trip...

Who ever thought I'd be writing about fashion at this blog but there were a couple observations I made while away that I thought I'd comment on. It's a sort of "near-far" thing from Sesame Street coupled with a multiple choice exam. So here goes, fashion "advice" from GB...

If your hair is longer than your dress, you may want to:

a) buy a longer dress, skanky
b) get your haircut, hippy! (I kid, sorry hippies and hippie-lovers)
c) consider a new career as a Lady Godiva impersonator, think of the wardrobe costs you'll save

If your jean shorts are shorter than the pockets in said shorts, you may want to:

a) grow some longer shorts
b) reduce your pockets
c) start a new fashion trend and extend the pockets

Trip Wit

I recently went on a road trip with a few other people. Here a few of the *lovely* one-liners the van was treated to courtesy of yours truly.

Upon seeing a Jack in the Box sign: "If Jack in the Box went out of business the headline would read, 'Jack in the PineBox'."

Upon seeing a sign for Medford: "I never met a Ford I didn't like."

Upon seeing a sign for Yreka: (something like) "Yeah, why reek-a, get some deodorant and you won't reek-a."

Upon combining the box of Medjool dates in the vehicle with a sign about upcoming road work (to a recently single guy): "Would you like a date?" (He knows I mean a Medjool date). He replies, "no thanks" and I say, "Are you sure? Because there's a single lane ahead!" (That one actually still makes me laugh).

Upon seeing dead deer on the side of the highway: "The population is deer-creasing."

Upon a lengthy blathering about someone wanting to buy a ranch (because of the scenery we were passing through): "I guess it's better to buy a ranch than to have bought the farm."

And a couple that I didn't share for some reason (maybe some people were sleeping?)

Upon seeing a sign for Louse Creek: 'Hmm, so when you come out, are you de-loused?'

Upon seeing many signs with the town population and elevation: I found it interesting that so many had elevations with larger numbers than their populations.

Super Soup Saturday

Long (and not exciting story) about plans being cancelled yada yada. End result being that I'm opening one of those cartons of soup to grab something to eat, an unusual experience. So I read the directions re: opening (pull up the tab and tear) and I say, "wow, this is tearable soup". Which, when you aren't typing but talking, sounds just like, "wow, this is terrible soup". Isn't that scintillating? Maybe I should add that word to the title...

Whaddya Think, Will Hallmark Be Hiring Me?

So I'm on vacation recently. One of the places I visited was California. Governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. While I'm on vacation I hear from someone else on the trip about a guy I know. Apparently he appeared to have a brain tumour but hadn't really told anyone. He got a bunch of tests and such and the verdict was that the tumour was something he was probably born with and he could just ignore it. Something along those lines. So with this new news he figured he could mention it to a few people which is how I indirectly heard the news. Now this is not someone I know that well, but awhile later I was contemplating his upcoming birthday and I thought about getting him a card. I shared with a trusted confidante the following idea...

{Dreamy music, the screen goes wavy}...

[Front of card] A picture of Arnold (see how this all ties together? California, its' Governor...)

[Inside verse] It's not a tumour!!! (You have to imagine this in Arnold's voice of course. It would be extra wicked cool if I could get one of those cards that actually plays a sound file when you open it).

My trusted confidante seemed to think I was basically of the same type as Hitler for this one. I kind of thought it was a lighthearted double-purpose card. I'm relieved your brain is ok, and by the way, Happy Birthday. I'm sure Hallmark doesn't have anything like that! But I wasn't sure how the proposed recipient would take it so the idea never reached fruition. You never know, watch for it in a card store. Someday.

Classic Sayings Adaptation

Setting: A visit to a home that is lived in by bachelors. Not that I'm trying to stereotype. But the dust bunnies are LARGE, the toilet rims/seats are crusty, and there are various food crumbs around chairs in eating areas (enabling one to study the recent eating patterns of the species - much nicer than having to look at spoor, don't you think?!)

So a recent meal consisted of some chips, evidenced by chip chunks scattered around a kitchen chair. One got stuck to my foot. I thus proclaimed, "You've heard of having a chip on your shoulder, well this is having a chip on the foot!" This resulted in mirth. (Shouldn't have encouraged me). I therefore later pronounced, "You've heard of a chip off the old block? Well this is a chip on the old sock!"

Yeah.

Signs of Wisdom

Saw a sign today that said:

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it"

Now I'm not an advocate of stealing forks, but this sign did inspire some wise words of witty wisdom (or not) from me:

"If you come to a fork in the road, have something to eat"
-- GB

Avalanche vs. Canucks 11/9/07

Okay, so it's no IPB calibre game diary...more like a highlight version...and not even a good highlight version like NHL On The Fly...but here goes...

I've sat down with my Dad to watch this game. He likes to watch with no sound on. He's waiting for the day when you can pick which sounds you get with a game. Which, as an aside, would be way cool. "I'd like all the on ice noise and the crowd, oh, good play by play guy tonight - I'll keep him then - oh (said with disdain) *he's* doing colour...mute FORSURE!" (But I digress).

Canucks have the puck behind their own net. They're taking their sweet time setting up the play. I snidely remark that if they just stand there a little longer, they're sure to run out the clock (I think there was about 2 minutes left).

Canucks do a break-out, it looks good at first and then falls flat. I remark, "guess he's not a Weaver of magic". My Dad didn't get it at first, til he realized the Canucks D Weaver had started the play. I felt pretty proud. I was practically Ron MacLean right there.

The Canucks have the puck for a long time in the offensive zone but no real chances. I think to myself that the Canucks are like my spin class this morning: lots of cycling, but you never go anywhere.

Avalanche are called on a penalty. Their coach is shown doing the usual freak out (recall, no sound). My Dad says, "he seems like a sweet guy" (in a very sort of sincere sounding voice, hard to explain, but it was somehow funny). Then they do the penalty box shot with the graphic, and it's Kurt Sauer in the box. For a minute I thought my Dad somehow had known that and wasn't referring to the coach at all with his, "sweet" comment but making a joke re: "sour" (that's the antithesis of sweet for anyone who didn't get that ;) Of course he was talking about the coach. But it was still well-timed comedy, dammit.

Canucks again, what looks to be some pretty passing - I think "tic...tac!....noooo". On the replay, it appears that the "pretty passing" I originally saw was actually more like a series of lucky blunders. Kind of made it cool, actually.

I note the "Viagra" ads on the boards. A reminder to "get it up" I think. Unless the opposing goalie is weak 5 hole or on wraparounds, in which case...

Blog Inspiration Synchronicity

The subtitle of this post should be: "A.K.A. awkward title" or "Take out the middle initial and you're left with BS". But I digress.

So over at IPB we were talking about 'old-fashioned phrases'. I mentioned that I had said "the proof is in the pudding" and the person I was speaking to (late 20's I think) said xe had never heard that expression.

Later that same day... (screen goes wavy), I was reading a book (coincidentally it was about blogging) and the author (Mason) was talking about "phrases you wish would come back into fashion".

So here goes...

"I don't give a tinker's damn." (Have to admit, that's new to me. Did tinker's have dams and someone got confused? Were they really crappy, leaky dams?)

"Here's mud in your eye." (Did that used to be the equivalent of the F word?? Once upon a time it was 'Mud in your eye!' and now it's 'Fuck off'?)

"He's a tall, cool drink of water." (Yeah, but the more pressing question is, who is the straw that stirs the drink?!?! Am I right?!)

"I like the cut of his jib." (Sailing is soooo kinky!)

"I'll fix your little red wagon." (Apparently wagon fixing is right up there with sailing, who knew).

Great Blogspectations Presents... Great Boobspectations

Following close on the heels of "What a Boob", we now have "Great Boobspectations".

What did you expect, these things come in pairs you know. (Bah-dum-ching!)


'Great Boobspectations' is inspired by one Andrew of IPB who read "What a Boob" and then came across a post at KuklasKorner about a Craigslist ad that...well... you'll see. So I'm reposting the ad below...


"I have a bunch of Canucks tix, and normally I use them for business development and entertain client, or take some of my cheap friends who wont buy their own, and once in a while, my wife decides she is a hockey fan and enjoys a game.
I know there are always lots of people looking for tickets, so I figured I would post on CL, and see if there was anyone else that would like a FREE ticket to go to the game with ME…..meet a complete stranger, and spend a harmless evening watching the Nucks. I am sure the conversation will be somewhat more interesting, entertaining, or at the very least, better to look at than one of my clients or beer drinking friends.
So here is the criteria and what I propose…….I am looking for an attractive, fit, married or single, classy, BUSTY female to join me as my guest for an upcoming Canucks game. No game in particular…whatever fits both of our schedules. Ideally you would wear something classy, but with a little edge to the outfit…i love cleavage, I love big boobs, and i love a little attitude and confidence to go along with it.
This is NOT about sex, or trying to solicit a sexual encounter and I am NOT expecting anything in return before or after the game. Just some fun conversation, a cool experience, and maybe a glimpse (ok maybe two)at some nice BIG boobs….I am a total boob guy, but unfortunately, most of my clients are males, and my wife was not blessed with anything bigger than a b cup.
So…….if you fit the description, email me back, and lets see if we can set up a “Canuck date”….
me: 30, married, professionally employed, attractive, clean cut, classy and respectful."


I love the "classy and respectful" part at the end. At any rate, Mr. What A Boob has turned out to be a wonderful inspiration - I even joked that I might have to change the blog name to Great Boobspectations after all this. But then I saw reason and just did one post. However, a bunch of 'boob' talk got generated over at IPB that caused the Oh-So-Fun and lovely Katebits to share a story about an online dating profile. Katebits described it as follows:


"the guy was going on and on and on with shit like,'You should have the exotic beauty of Catherine Zeta Jones, the bubbly personality of Drew Barrymore, the quirky appeal of Audry Hepburn….ect ect.' Honestly, he went on like this FOREVER and he must have listed at least fifty movie stars and their best quality. By the time I was half way through I was literally disgusted, but I kept reading because I couldn’t believe that anyone would have such gall. (By the way, there wasn’t a single piece of information about the GUY, only the incredible list of expectations.) SO I get to the end of the profile and I am really truly aghast, and he finishes his profile with this line:

'Oh, who am I kidding? Must have big tits and a pulse.'"


That is SO hilarious.

Thank you Andrew & Katebits for your contributions to today's installment of "Great Boobspectations". Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.

...Brought To You By The Letter P and the Number 3

So I'm over at a friends' place the other day, having breakfast in the dining room when all of a sudden there is a mighty crash/explosion sound from the kitchen. Upon investigation, it turns out that a pan exploded in the oven. As this is discussed by those present, I happen to notice that everything involved starts with "P". It was a Pyrex pan of pumpkins for pie. The pumpkins had to be declared unusuable as the 'glass' (Pyrex) had shattered so incredibly that there were bits everywhere. My friend made the best of it, saying it was only $3 worth of pumpkins. And there was a 3 year old present. And a 33 year old. So I made the joke that today's episode is brought to us by ... (see title of the post), a Sesame Street Shout-out.

Did you have to be there? Or did this translate to the blogosphere?

Quick Quips

I went to a party that I didn't know many people at. A friend of mine whispered to me that this one woman was the one she'd told me about before - this woman and her husband...well, they have sex with other couples and that kind of thing. So she points her out and I don't think much more about it. And I haven't seen the husband yet, he's outside. I still haven't seen him (I'm in the kitchen with the women, you know how it is) and I made a joke so people were all laughing at that when the swinger woman exclaimed, "ohmigod! you'd love my husband!" At which point I thought about the swinging thing and was pretty entertained by her comment. She may have wondered why I raised my eyebrow, winked at her slyly & knowingly and then gently caressed her ass.
------

I'm talking to this woman that I know. Hard to describe her personality, a bit naive in a sense. So I say I'm going to this hockey game in another city and she says, "Oh maybe I'll see you there!" I know very well she means in the city, but I say back, "You're gonna be at the game, huh." So then she does the 'you know what I mean' thing and replies, "Well, you know, you might see me walking the streets." Heh heh. Yeah? Really? Standing on your corner huh. Chortle.

Hockey Date in Canada

So I'm watching the NHL season opener from England and the commentator says something along the lines of, "he put his arm around the guy and almost took a penalty". So I think (sarcastically) to myself, "wow, putting your arm around someone (a gesture of affection) is a penalty huh" which leads me to picture being on a date and the guy goes to put his arm around me and I say stridently, "hey! nuh uh, penalty!.." which immediately led me to the continuation of that thought, "..2 minutes in the box!". Uh. Hmm, that might not work so well. Ahem. Right-o then.

Fun With Food

I was recently trying to find something for lunch. Found some homemade humous (however you spell it) and so I looked for some tortilla chips to have with it. I found a previously opened (but sealed) bag and proceeded to eat (the humous & chips, not the bag silly). After the first bite, however, it became obvious that the chips were stale. I consulted the best before date. Well past. More than a month, closer to two. So I say to the person I'm having lunch with, "I think I'm going to need to abandon chip". Yeah, I thought that was pretty clever.

A day or two before that, I was out for dinner. I ordered the gnocchi (it was quite good). The next morning I got this song in my head... "I did it all for the gnocchi, the gnocchi, so you can take your head and shove it up your ...." (to the tune of that Nookie song by Limp Bizkit.)

< Insert Clever Title Here >

So CNN is showing a story on a certain someone going to jail. (You know who I mean, I refuse to type her name in this blog, it would be forever tainted. Ick.)
There was no volume, but it generated a discussion about troubled celebs (e.g. LL & BS).
So I find myself involved in this useless discussion. Me. (Shakes head). It's truly a miracle that I didn't slit my wrists right then and there and that I'm here writing this blog now.

Fortunately, the discussion quickly turned to the infamous shots of a couple of these celebs' crotches. One of the discussants stated firmly and in a somewhat judgmental tone that there was simply no excuse for these people not wearing underwear. Rather quickly (if I do say so myself) I managed the following rejoinder:

"She wanted to support the troops so she thought she should go commando."

This resulted in peals of laughter and questions as to whether I had made that up myself right on the spot. Indeed I had. (Yeah, I'm pretty proud).

Yeah, it might not be that great but what do you want from me - there was already one miracle here today, don't push it.