The Long and The Short of It

So again from the recent trip...

Who ever thought I'd be writing about fashion at this blog but there were a couple observations I made while away that I thought I'd comment on. It's a sort of "near-far" thing from Sesame Street coupled with a multiple choice exam. So here goes, fashion "advice" from GB...

If your hair is longer than your dress, you may want to:

a) buy a longer dress, skanky
b) get your haircut, hippy! (I kid, sorry hippies and hippie-lovers)
c) consider a new career as a Lady Godiva impersonator, think of the wardrobe costs you'll save

If your jean shorts are shorter than the pockets in said shorts, you may want to:

a) grow some longer shorts
b) reduce your pockets
c) start a new fashion trend and extend the pockets

Trip Wit

I recently went on a road trip with a few other people. Here a few of the *lovely* one-liners the van was treated to courtesy of yours truly.

Upon seeing a Jack in the Box sign: "If Jack in the Box went out of business the headline would read, 'Jack in the PineBox'."

Upon seeing a sign for Medford: "I never met a Ford I didn't like."

Upon seeing a sign for Yreka: (something like) "Yeah, why reek-a, get some deodorant and you won't reek-a."

Upon combining the box of Medjool dates in the vehicle with a sign about upcoming road work (to a recently single guy): "Would you like a date?" (He knows I mean a Medjool date). He replies, "no thanks" and I say, "Are you sure? Because there's a single lane ahead!" (That one actually still makes me laugh).

Upon seeing dead deer on the side of the highway: "The population is deer-creasing."

Upon a lengthy blathering about someone wanting to buy a ranch (because of the scenery we were passing through): "I guess it's better to buy a ranch than to have bought the farm."

And a couple that I didn't share for some reason (maybe some people were sleeping?)

Upon seeing a sign for Louse Creek: 'Hmm, so when you come out, are you de-loused?'

Upon seeing many signs with the town population and elevation: I found it interesting that so many had elevations with larger numbers than their populations.

Quick Quote

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman

Wine Whine

So today I'm grabbing receipts out of my purse (I'm not a fan of the purse, there was a time I just carried my wallet around in my hand, still do occasionally, but, as usual, I digress) - things are a pain unless it's something you actually want a receipt for. So I find a receipt from a recent purchase of a bottle of wine to take to a dinner thing. Then, to what should my wandering eye(s) appear, but an extra item listed. For $0.00. What is said item you ask? Well, it says "ID NOT REQ OVER 40". Welllll!!! I'm not over 40!!!! {raises eyebrow with fire in eyes}. Now I know I'm pretty much guaranteed to not get ID'd by this point in my life, but still. I think in the last, say, 8 years, I've been ID'd twice. Once at a liquor store in Canada, which was a shock to be sure, but then more recently in the US at a restaurant!! I thought the server was joking but she looked highly annoyed when I started to laugh. I really think she thought I was trying to pull a fast one, crack a few jokes and make her forget all about her request. Or that I might try a Jedi mind trick (waves hand, "you don't need to see my ID"). Now I know some places have policies "we ID under 25" but still. Getting back to this "over 40" thing, I cannot believe they print that out on the receipt! I'm sure a couple people I know will get a good laugh over this one. I wonder if they have other categories... "ID checked, NP, over 25". Maybe they should come up with some fun ones like, "so fucking old there was absolutely no need to check for ID, $0.00" or "fake boobs, could therefore use other cosmetic surgery, looks about 62 but checked ID anyway, $0.00".
I'm just hoping that in 2 years I'm not entitling a blog post "the liquor depot finally made me buy those fancy anti-aging creams (but I'm so damn old I can't remember where i put them)."

Super Soup Saturday

Long (and not exciting story) about plans being cancelled yada yada. End result being that I'm opening one of those cartons of soup to grab something to eat, an unusual experience. So I read the directions re: opening (pull up the tab and tear) and I say, "wow, this is tearable soup". Which, when you aren't typing but talking, sounds just like, "wow, this is terrible soup". Isn't that scintillating? Maybe I should add that word to the title...

Drive Thru Debaucle

I was going through the drive thru awhile back. I knew the person in the vehicle in front of me. Xe shall remain "safely anonymous". {You know, when I first typed that it said "shall rename" - Freudian slip I suppose. The 'safely anonymous' I stole from Star Wars (I can hear you Sid, knock it off).} Anyway, I digress. Wildly. Crazily. Off the hook-ily. So, as I was saying...the drive thru. I guess my knock out good looks and winning personality get some people flustered (har har) because the person in front of me pulled up just short of the ordering speaker and began talking to a different rectangularly shaped object. The door to the garbage can. At first, I'd thought xe was simply not pulling up to the ordering speaker because xe was perusing the menu. But once I realized what was going on, I couldn't help but chortle. I think "safely anonymous" was embarrassed. But xe can now remain safely anonymously embarrassed. Immortalized on my blog. Which would be safe even without the anonymity due to the scarcity of readers. I don't check the stats anyway, so I guess I could pretend that thousands of people read this blog, just none of them comment. You know, too dazzled by the wit to have a rejoinder. Uh huh. Does that mean that, in effect, when I'm blogging I'm talking to a garbage can instead of a speaker too? Hmm, deep thoughts.

Female Football Fantasy

Titillating title, n'est pas?

Last night I had a dream. NO, it wasn't about little black boys and girls. Let's be clear, it wasn't about little kids of any colour or creed. However, it was about football. And a team that won the Superbowl. And then the QB was taking off xe's equipment and I suddenly realized that the QB was a woman. I know this because I can clearly remember seeing her bra from behind as she discreetly removed some of her equipment. And don't get any ideas, it wasn't a Manssiere or a Bro (TM Seinfeld), it was a woman and a woman's bra.
What does this mean? Why am I dreaming this? (For some of you, you know who you are... I think I should add, "don't answer that" - I've read your dream interpretations before, freak.)

Whaddya Think, Will Hallmark Be Hiring Me?

So I'm on vacation recently. One of the places I visited was California. Governed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. While I'm on vacation I hear from someone else on the trip about a guy I know. Apparently he appeared to have a brain tumour but hadn't really told anyone. He got a bunch of tests and such and the verdict was that the tumour was something he was probably born with and he could just ignore it. Something along those lines. So with this new news he figured he could mention it to a few people which is how I indirectly heard the news. Now this is not someone I know that well, but awhile later I was contemplating his upcoming birthday and I thought about getting him a card. I shared with a trusted confidante the following idea...

{Dreamy music, the screen goes wavy}...

[Front of card] A picture of Arnold (see how this all ties together? California, its' Governor...)

[Inside verse] It's not a tumour!!! (You have to imagine this in Arnold's voice of course. It would be extra wicked cool if I could get one of those cards that actually plays a sound file when you open it).

My trusted confidante seemed to think I was basically of the same type as Hitler for this one. I kind of thought it was a lighthearted double-purpose card. I'm relieved your brain is ok, and by the way, Happy Birthday. I'm sure Hallmark doesn't have anything like that! But I wasn't sure how the proposed recipient would take it so the idea never reached fruition. You never know, watch for it in a card store. Someday.

Going in Reverse

Wow, I haven't posted since February??!? Yikes. Here's a short one to kick things off.

I'm driving down a major road the other day. I see ahead of me a car that looks like it's been through several wars. The rust is incredible. Picture ivy taking over a building. Except it's rust on a car. I think you get the picture. I then note that the car has veteran plates. Now I thought those referred to the car owner being a veteran. I think in this case the plates actually referred to the car. As I get closer, I note that even though we are moving forward, the car's reverse lights come on and stay on as we increase speed. Great. At any moment will the car suddenly clunk painfully into reverse? I suppose a car of senior citizen status might take a while to, ahem, change gears so maybe it'll be ok. No disrespect to senior citizens anywhere.

Kid Lit

The scene: floor with a young child's stuff scattered on it.

For some reason, I happen to notice a book, laying face down on the floor.
One of those typical books for preschool kids, with the shiny hardcover and bright colours.
But what leaps out at me? At the top, it says (complete with little graphics and all that cuteness):
"1 Chick is good, but aren't 2 Chicks even better?"
Oh dear.
So I turn to another childless person and snarf about this. They are amused and shake their head at me.

Enter the child's doting grandmother.
So I'm feeling frisky and I pick up the book, point to the relevant stuff on the cover, and tell the grandmother in a mock-serious tone that I'm not sure this kind of reading is appropriate material for a 2 year old, that threesomes are of a morality that is questionable, blah blah blah (whatever I could come up with). Perhaps you had to be there, but it was pretty funny. But just when I think this fun episode of diversion is over, I notice that further down on the back cover are some other book titles...you must imagine the jaw-dropping, facial muscle-screwing up look that came over my face when I read, "Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same" and "Going for the Bronze: Still Bitter, More Baggage". On a book for "baby, preschool" reading level??? I mean I was joking around about all that threesome, morality stuff, but really, are we embittering a generation of babies/preschoolers with bitterness and baggage? WTF?! Upon further perusal, I find out that the books are adult titles by the same author. Uh huh, I'd watch out, she's probably slipping some bitterness in her baby books too. Consider yourselves warned. Great Blogspectations, a public service.

Classic Sayings Adaptation

Setting: A visit to a home that is lived in by bachelors. Not that I'm trying to stereotype. But the dust bunnies are LARGE, the toilet rims/seats are crusty, and there are various food crumbs around chairs in eating areas (enabling one to study the recent eating patterns of the species - much nicer than having to look at spoor, don't you think?!)

So a recent meal consisted of some chips, evidenced by chip chunks scattered around a kitchen chair. One got stuck to my foot. I thus proclaimed, "You've heard of having a chip on your shoulder, well this is having a chip on the foot!" This resulted in mirth. (Shouldn't have encouraged me). I therefore later pronounced, "You've heard of a chip off the old block? Well this is a chip on the old sock!"

Yeah.

Signs of Wisdom

Saw a sign today that said:

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it"

Now I'm not an advocate of stealing forks, but this sign did inspire some wise words of witty wisdom (or not) from me:

"If you come to a fork in the road, have something to eat"
-- GB

Revisiting the Past....

I found some old stuff of mine. I may make a series of these posts if I can keep my motivation up. Here's the first (and maybe the last too....)

Life Skills 8 Report Card

Ah, Grade 8, my first year of high school. Back then apparently we took "Life Skills" which consists of Woodwork (shut it, Jesus was a carpenter right? this is an important life skill), Study Skills (what could be more important?), Computer Literacy (wow, my school didn't suck, it was cutting edge - wait, is this teaching computers how to read???), Sewing, and Foods.

Grades:

Woodwork 71% C+ (no doubt, I remember being afraid of losing a finger in the power equipment - i believe i made a lovely towel holder)

Study Skills 75% B (but apparently I got 99% on the final! shouldn't that get you an A+??! does that not concretely demonstrate study skills? how did I get only 75% overall? was the final worth 2% of our grades? i demand a recount!)

Computer 82% B (read this blog, jackass! i know what i'm doing!)

Sewing 81% B (how on earth is this possible? i did better in sewing than study skills?! i despise sewing, i remember nothing from this class. then again i don't remember even taking study skills. i don't remember study skills even existing as a course.)

Foods 87% A ("good work habits and a positive attitude have contributed to this grade". so what you're saying is that this grade is completely subjective and not based on actual tests or assignments. that's it, i'm appealing my grade 8 life skills grades.... [toodles off to do so])

Email Capers

No, this is not a directive. Do not read the title of this post as "Readers of this blog, please email me some capers." Please. Do not. Although with the number of people who read this blog, I'd be lucky to get one caper. But I digress. Wildly. Inanely.

Here is a recent email exchange:

Sent to me....

"---Women,---
---are like apples---
---on trees. The best ones---
---are at the top of the tree.---
---The boys don't want to reach---
-for the good ones because they're--
-afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong with them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right man to
--- come along, the one who's-
--- brave enough to---
---climb all---
---the way---
---to the top---
---of the tree.---"

(Okay, so along with this email I get the following note....)

"I believe your the creme de la creme :)"

(Now, if you've made it through that apple/women shit, I congratulate you heartily. I don't know who wrote that thing, but I'm laying odds it was a sad female owner of 472 cats who got delusional. Anyway, here was my response to the "creme" comment...)

"creme de la creme...is that like a REALLY rotten apple?!?! so rotten it's CREAMY?!?! ohmigod! you just called me easy!!! i'm going to get you! i'm going to fall on your head from WAAAAY up here on the top of this FRICKIN' HUGE apple tree!!!! ENJOY BEING UNCONSCIOUS, FUCKWAD!"

November 9th, January 18th

What is the significance of those two dates? They signify that I'm not a dead blogger. My last post was November 9th, and today is January 18th. I'm alive!!!!!!!!! And off to do a 'real post' now....