Must See TV!

I had a few minutes to kill the other day. And seeing as a few minutes isn't really enough time for killing, I instead flipped through a Fall TV preview.

Now, if the world were fair, the guys at Leper Pop http://leperpop.blogspot.com/ would write a blog on this, because it would be way more funny than what I can come up with. But guess what, the world isn't fair, so for now at least, you get this.

In my defence, these previews are so bad, what could anyone possibly add to make them funnier? And by 'funnier', I of course mean 'more ridiculous'.
Even the magazine that they were featured in mentions a site http://generatorland.com/ that randomly comes up with TV show pitches and I can tell you that they sadly aren't that far off of the real tv show descriptions. In fact, I've just now decided that I will make this into an interactive game! Go ahead readers, pick which of the following shows are coming to TV screens in the Fall, and which are made up! Here goes...

Moonlight - 'a good-hearted vampire works as a private investigator, protecting humans from their evil breathren'.

Dame Nimoy - 'an alien hides from a taxidermist with a photographic memory'.

Pushing Daisies - 'a whimsical tale about a pie maker named Ned who can kill or revive people, animals, and even plants with a single touch'.

Pulling Teeth - 'a down on his luck dentist falls in love with a mannequin that came to life'.

Da Kink In My Hair - 'a group of women gather to gossip, talk about their hopes and dreams and, of course, get some good weaves'.

And if you still think TV is "da bomb", check out the song "Television, The Drug of a Nation" by the Disposable Heroes of Hiphocracy http://peoplesgeography.com/2007/08/06/television-the-drug-of-a-nation/ (video) http://artists.letssingit.com/disposable-heroes-of-hiphoprisy-television-the-drug-of-the-nation-d1dw3jc (lyrics).

Clean Sheet (Of Ice), Dirty Minds

A radio station in a city I lived in once used to have a contest in which they would play clips and callers had to decide if the clips were from home improvement shows or adult movies. Most of the time it was pretty silly but sometimes callers actually would get it wrong. You'd swear it was porn and it'd turn out to be home improvement.

For awhile they had a similar contest in which callers had to decide if the clip was from hockey broadcasts or adult movies. I'm not the only one who has chuckled over some of the things broadcasters say during a hockey game. "He just can't get it up!" "He's spending far too much time playing in his own end!" are just a couple of examples commonly cited.

Well today I'm watching a DVR of the Canada Russia "Super Series" and in one 30 second stretch...wow.

Here's a sampling:

8:10 - Bobrovskiy just closes his legs in time! (Been there ;)
8:17 - Giroux just slid it wide (Been there too ;)
8:23 - (Lucic) he got it up! (Finally!)

Klosterman Quotes

In a recent post, I mentioned the book "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman. I said it might inspire some posts. Then I remembered my laziness might prevent that. After a brief wrestling match, it appears that inspiration has, at least temporarily, won. However, laziness is sneaky, and so instead of each part of the book inspiring a post, I'm going with a quick run-through. Maybe it was a tie.

"It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box-office star in America, because every straight girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker."

I found Klosterman's whole section on John Cusack quite hilarious. And I must admit, not that I know the guy, but just going from interviews etc., Cusack seems like a cool guy and I definitely dig him (as a person, not as an actor per se). And one of my favorite movies is "Grosse Pointe Blank". But even though John Cusack ranks very high on "my list" ('celeb future husband list' would that be?!?), I see *no* reason to share a milkshake with him. Can't we each get our own damn milkshake? Sheesh. Oh, and, Klosterman goes on to say that these women are really in love with Cusack because of his Lloyd Dobler character from "Say Anything" - the epitome of ideal romance blah blah blah. Well, for the record, I have never even seen "Say Anything", and frankly I'm afraid to after hearing the way "they" talk about it. From stuff I've heard, it sounds like if I were to watch that movie it would be like some kind of drug and I could never have a relationship measure up and my whole life would somehow be screwed up. That must be one powerful movie!

Man, I did have more stuff to say but it takes too long to quote Klosterman and then go on about why I liked the quote or whatever. And I don't own the book so I can't do it at my leisure. Perhaps I should buy a copy.

One Ring, One Cup (One Bourbon, One Scotch & One Beer)

I'm listening to sports radio today and I hear this rather interesting story about a Stanley Cup ring found in the waters of Mexico.
Here's a link to a print version of the story... http://news.sympatico.msn.ctv.ca/TopStories/ContentPosting.aspx?feedname=CTV-TOPSTORIES_V2&showbyline=True&newsitemid=CTVNews%2F20070823%2FStanley_Cup_Ring_070823

So they find a ring from the last time the Leafs won a Cup (1967). This reminds me of "Fifty Mission Cap" by The Tragically Hip (hockey & The Hip, does it get anymore Canadian than that...) which describes the story of Bill Barilko. (Basically, he scored an OT goal that won the Leafs the Cup - then he died - his body was recovered 11 years later which was the next time the Leafs won a Cup.)

Now, like a lot of hockey fans, I enjoy a good ribbing of the Leafs. And if you'd asked me earlier today whether they'd win a Cup anytime soon I would have laughed (no offense). But now...spooky...finding that ring is a sign! This is the year!

DVD Delight

You would never know it from this blog, but I'm a hockey fan. Today I found myself pommerdoodling (see http://interchangeableparts.wordpress.com/ for a definition of this word - or just go there because IPB fucking rocks) over an interview with Trevor Linden. A little background...I once really dug Trevor Linden. Not that I really stopped, but you know how these things go. But this interview was so awesome. First of all, he's very well-spoken. Second of all, he made jokes about Le Tour, doping, cycling, and spandex (apparently Trevor rode in the Alps and did some mountain bike race in Europe in the off-season). Awesome. I think I was going to list some more reasons, but whatever.

Moving away from hockey...and back to Tour related business....today when I got to work I found that the two DVD sets (1999 and 2000 Tours) that I'd ordered had arrived. I've only just started disc 1 of the first set, but felt compelled to write about the little I've seen so far. It begins with that dude (what is his name, that commentator - ah! Phil Liggett - no idea on the spelling, sorry dude - I think Paul Sherwen - same caveat - is also featured) talking about Lance Armstrong (spelled that right, woohoo!) being on top of the world and then it crumbling as he finds out he has cancer in an advanced stage, tumours as big as golf balls in his lungs, and is told by his docs that he has a 20-50% chance to live. Phil goes on to say that actually his doctors didn't think he would live. Then there's a short interview with Lance and then the intro to the prologue starts. It shows some scenery, crowds, etc. and the credits are coming up over top. What made me chortle is that they show a little girl in a stroller in this intro, and she is totally picking her nose. It could be that it's late, I'm tired, I haven't eaten enough...but that just cracked me up. Hello???? Editors???? Proof 'watchers'???

P.S. For those of you who saw the title and thought something along the lines of, "sweet! finally the porn stuff is starting" - ha ha, fooled you again, suckers! (Just kidding...you know...)

Another Tour de France Doping Incident

Yes, that's right, there's another in a long line of incidents.
Who is it this time, you think, as you mentally scroll through a list of names.

It's me. Yes, me. You read it here first.

You see I'm experiencing TdF withdrawal. And why does one experience withdrawal? Because one has developed a dependency. Ergo, I've been doping and it involves Le Tour.

For example, I look at my desktop of the Col du Galibier and I pine for Le Tour. I think of settling down to watch footage (wheelage?) and I experience a twittering of expectation. And this expectation of excitement is then doused by the cold, hard reality that I have no Tour to watch. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that I may still have the final leg of this year's Tour DVR'd. But still.

Now I'm depressed. I guess it's true. Dope is for dopes.

Fun With Food

I was recently trying to find something for lunch. Found some homemade humous (however you spell it) and so I looked for some tortilla chips to have with it. I found a previously opened (but sealed) bag and proceeded to eat (the humous & chips, not the bag silly). After the first bite, however, it became obvious that the chips were stale. I consulted the best before date. Well past. More than a month, closer to two. So I say to the person I'm having lunch with, "I think I'm going to need to abandon chip". Yeah, I thought that was pretty clever.

A day or two before that, I was out for dinner. I ordered the gnocchi (it was quite good). The next morning I got this song in my head... "I did it all for the gnocchi, the gnocchi, so you can take your head and shove it up your ...." (to the tune of that Nookie song by Limp Bizkit.)

Culture....Only in Yogurt?

So I've been reading this book (Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs... A Low Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman) and it may inspire several blog entries. This being the first. And if I don't do others, the last too. Which would make it the only. But anyway...

So I'm reading one particular chapter and I come across this...
"The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you...."
(wait for it...)
"...they like every kind of music 'except country'."

When I read this I think I actually may have blushed. Or something. I think I also looked around furtively to see if anyone knew "my secret". Which would be that I have said a variation of the above on occasion. It was sure a shock to think that *I* could be among the most wretched people in the world. I mean, I'm not always the nicest, but I think that's ok. Anyway, CK goes on to say that "People who say that are boorish and pretentious at the same time."
Damn, and just the other night I was saying I didn't like pretentious guys (people). Now I have to face that label possibly sticking to me along with boorish. Ouch. (He goes on to say that of course this only applies to "new" not "old" country music).

You know, this was all a lot better in my head. I think I even had a point. Oh well. Somebody else take over...

Did you just say...

Scene: Recently, at a party - a discussion gets around to the topic of choking...

Someone suggests doing what I hear as "The Heimlich Manoeuvre" (making perfect sense). However, another party-goer says, "did you just say *Hindlick* Manoeuvre?!"

And indeed, that is what the person had said. Needless to say, there was a fair bit of laughter and jokes made around this.
I suggested that this "Hindlick Manoeuvre" might indeed help someone to stop choking - in fact, perhaps more effectively than the Heimlich. I think I was visualizing the look on someone's face if that were to happen.

Miss Remiss

I, probably like many people today (and when I say "today" I do not refer specifically to this day, but in the more general sense of "today's day and age" as they say), have several email accounts. Perhaps there are some who would question this, perhaps they would query if it would not be more simple to have one account. And to them I say, yeah, whatever.
So anyway, in one email account I had 330 new messages. I started recently to go through them. I know other people would just delete anything of lesser importance, but I have some...let's call it a quirk, that sounds like fun - rather than, say, calling it an annoying habit or compulsive behaviour...which means that I will actually go through and read/watch anything other than junk (e.g. "Increase Your Manhood!" - this last bit leads me to think of a line from the movie Dead Man on Campus, "Kick me in the junk!" but I digress, and, as usual, wildly. Yep, I'm a wild digresser.)
So where was I? Oh yes, reading through the beginnings of 330 unread messages. Which does not include ones that I quickly read as they were potentially important/time sensitive but did not turn out to be 'important or time sensitive enough' shall we say to merit my responding immediately. However, I should have responded by now. It's a wonder some of my friends haven't disowned me. Or perhaps they have, but I just haven't gotten to those emails yet. Did I just digress again? Sheesh.
And I chuckle now to think that there really isn't a point to all this anyway. I think this entry is really a metaphor for life, enjoy the journey, not the destination. Hell, if this blog turns into one of those aphorism (is that even the right word?) posters with the gay sayings (sorry, that's probably not PC, give me a break ok, I know I used the word "gay" in a negative fashion, but just let it go) and the cheesy sunrise pictures I will be forced to kill myself. Hell, wouldn't you guys chew off your own arms to escape a fate like that? Man, maybe that's what hell is...eternally trapped in a place where every room is filled with those posters. Which is funny (and when I use "funny" I sometimes mean more "ironic") because just this morning I was saying to myself (not outloud, just in my head) "you're going to hell now forsure". I wonder if anyone just perked up a bit and thought, 'hey, this has some potential, what was GB doing to say something like that?' Nothing that grandiose. Just some impure thoughts during a time that impure thoughts were probably not appropriate. But at the time the hell thing was a bit of a joke, now that I've considered the possibility of aphorism hell, I'm a bit more worried. Anyhoo... you know what, anyhoo is one of those things that I would be willing to bet I'd find super annoying. Yet I use it from time to time and it doesn't seem to annoy me really. Hmm.
Okay, I think this may be my last "point." (And yes, I use that term loosely. Very loosely. Like taking the skin of a full-grown male elephant and putting it on a person loosely. Yeah, that loosely. Behold.) So as I started out saying, I was going through the beginnings of all these unread emails and I came across one for saving money on sending flowers. It expired June 22nd. So I look more closely at the email and realize that yes, in fact the emails I'm going through are from FREAKIN' June. 330 didn't seem so bad. I thought people were just sending a lot of jokes and shit. But now...