Going in Reverse

Wow, I haven't posted since February??!? Yikes. Here's a short one to kick things off.

I'm driving down a major road the other day. I see ahead of me a car that looks like it's been through several wars. The rust is incredible. Picture ivy taking over a building. Except it's rust on a car. I think you get the picture. I then note that the car has veteran plates. Now I thought those referred to the car owner being a veteran. I think in this case the plates actually referred to the car. As I get closer, I note that even though we are moving forward, the car's reverse lights come on and stay on as we increase speed. Great. At any moment will the car suddenly clunk painfully into reverse? I suppose a car of senior citizen status might take a while to, ahem, change gears so maybe it'll be ok. No disrespect to senior citizens anywhere.

Kid Lit

The scene: floor with a young child's stuff scattered on it.

For some reason, I happen to notice a book, laying face down on the floor.
One of those typical books for preschool kids, with the shiny hardcover and bright colours.
But what leaps out at me? At the top, it says (complete with little graphics and all that cuteness):
"1 Chick is good, but aren't 2 Chicks even better?"
Oh dear.
So I turn to another childless person and snarf about this. They are amused and shake their head at me.

Enter the child's doting grandmother.
So I'm feeling frisky and I pick up the book, point to the relevant stuff on the cover, and tell the grandmother in a mock-serious tone that I'm not sure this kind of reading is appropriate material for a 2 year old, that threesomes are of a morality that is questionable, blah blah blah (whatever I could come up with). Perhaps you had to be there, but it was pretty funny. But just when I think this fun episode of diversion is over, I notice that further down on the back cover are some other book titles...you must imagine the jaw-dropping, facial muscle-screwing up look that came over my face when I read, "Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same" and "Going for the Bronze: Still Bitter, More Baggage". On a book for "baby, preschool" reading level??? I mean I was joking around about all that threesome, morality stuff, but really, are we embittering a generation of babies/preschoolers with bitterness and baggage? WTF?! Upon further perusal, I find out that the books are adult titles by the same author. Uh huh, I'd watch out, she's probably slipping some bitterness in her baby books too. Consider yourselves warned. Great Blogspectations, a public service.

Classic Sayings Adaptation

Setting: A visit to a home that is lived in by bachelors. Not that I'm trying to stereotype. But the dust bunnies are LARGE, the toilet rims/seats are crusty, and there are various food crumbs around chairs in eating areas (enabling one to study the recent eating patterns of the species - much nicer than having to look at spoor, don't you think?!)

So a recent meal consisted of some chips, evidenced by chip chunks scattered around a kitchen chair. One got stuck to my foot. I thus proclaimed, "You've heard of having a chip on your shoulder, well this is having a chip on the foot!" This resulted in mirth. (Shouldn't have encouraged me). I therefore later pronounced, "You've heard of a chip off the old block? Well this is a chip on the old sock!"

Yeah.

Signs of Wisdom

Saw a sign today that said:

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it"

Now I'm not an advocate of stealing forks, but this sign did inspire some wise words of witty wisdom (or not) from me:

"If you come to a fork in the road, have something to eat"
-- GB

Revisiting the Past....

I found some old stuff of mine. I may make a series of these posts if I can keep my motivation up. Here's the first (and maybe the last too....)

Life Skills 8 Report Card

Ah, Grade 8, my first year of high school. Back then apparently we took "Life Skills" which consists of Woodwork (shut it, Jesus was a carpenter right? this is an important life skill), Study Skills (what could be more important?), Computer Literacy (wow, my school didn't suck, it was cutting edge - wait, is this teaching computers how to read???), Sewing, and Foods.

Grades:

Woodwork 71% C+ (no doubt, I remember being afraid of losing a finger in the power equipment - i believe i made a lovely towel holder)

Study Skills 75% B (but apparently I got 99% on the final! shouldn't that get you an A+??! does that not concretely demonstrate study skills? how did I get only 75% overall? was the final worth 2% of our grades? i demand a recount!)

Computer 82% B (read this blog, jackass! i know what i'm doing!)

Sewing 81% B (how on earth is this possible? i did better in sewing than study skills?! i despise sewing, i remember nothing from this class. then again i don't remember even taking study skills. i don't remember study skills even existing as a course.)

Foods 87% A ("good work habits and a positive attitude have contributed to this grade". so what you're saying is that this grade is completely subjective and not based on actual tests or assignments. that's it, i'm appealing my grade 8 life skills grades.... [toodles off to do so])

Email Capers

No, this is not a directive. Do not read the title of this post as "Readers of this blog, please email me some capers." Please. Do not. Although with the number of people who read this blog, I'd be lucky to get one caper. But I digress. Wildly. Inanely.

Here is a recent email exchange:

Sent to me....

"---Women,---
---are like apples---
---on trees. The best ones---
---are at the top of the tree.---
---The boys don't want to reach---
-for the good ones because they're--
-afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong with them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right man to
--- come along, the one who's-
--- brave enough to---
---climb all---
---the way---
---to the top---
---of the tree.---"

(Okay, so along with this email I get the following note....)

"I believe your the creme de la creme :)"

(Now, if you've made it through that apple/women shit, I congratulate you heartily. I don't know who wrote that thing, but I'm laying odds it was a sad female owner of 472 cats who got delusional. Anyway, here was my response to the "creme" comment...)

"creme de la creme...is that like a REALLY rotten apple?!?! so rotten it's CREAMY?!?! ohmigod! you just called me easy!!! i'm going to get you! i'm going to fall on your head from WAAAAY up here on the top of this FRICKIN' HUGE apple tree!!!! ENJOY BEING UNCONSCIOUS, FUCKWAD!"

November 9th, January 18th

What is the significance of those two dates? They signify that I'm not a dead blogger. My last post was November 9th, and today is January 18th. I'm alive!!!!!!!!! And off to do a 'real post' now....