What A Boob

So I meet this guy who decides in very short order that we may possibly be soul mates or something. I've talked to a few people about some of the stuff that transpired and it has earned this dude various nicknames and mockery but I figured it was time to be really meanspirited and make fun of him on the internet. But I'm not so mean that I'm going to give his name and all that. (Gee, give me a medal).

So this guy seems smitten. Keep in mind we have had very little contact. I mean VERY little. I haven't even really formed much of an opinion of him at all. So he says to me, so I need to ask you something really important, in fact, it's a dealbreaker. (Seems a little early for this type of conversation but ok...) So I'm expecting something about how I feel about him having kids or something big like that (he does have stepkids). Instead, he says, "do you like to cuddle?" Barely waiting for an answer, he goes on to tell me how he LOVES to give footrubs and do all kinds of other "romantic" things. (ASIDE: Have I been sucked out of my regular life and right into some Harlequin romance novel? Hey, open the book wider, there's not enough room in these pages! Ack, Fabio is learing at me from the cover - read faster, I need to keep my distance!) He then waits for me to slobber like a dog and ask for his hand in marriage or something. He does not seem to be able to understand or even marginally comprehend my less than enthusiastic response. (ASIDE: Why are we talking about cuddling after 5 minutes? Is that supposed to be better than talking about sex? Am I supposed to think you must be a great sensitive guy? Because it ain't working, in fact I'm thinking you may well be a dweeb. You either are REALLY into cuddling, which is a bit odd, I mean cuddling is okay and all but there are limits OR you are just saying all this shit because you read in some handbook on women that it will get you laid. I'm not sure which option is more disturbing. Just when I think I've nailed it down to one, the other races ahead and grabs the lead.) So then he immediately follows this up with, "are you attracted to me?" Um, I've "known" you for a grand total of minutes, easy there. As I fumble through that he then says, "well do you like talking to me?" I'm unable to refrain from a sarcastic response along the lines of, "No, I'm despising every second but I don't terminate the conversation." (Upon further reflection, perhaps that wasn't so much sarcasm as prescience). And so it goes. So I end up linking something he says to Seinfeld. He then raves about how much he loves the show. So I describe this part of an episode where George is driving up to the Hamptons for the weekend with a new girlfriend. They're doing the voice over of what George is thinking. It goes something like, "if I reached out and touched her boob right now, she'd slap me, but after this weekend, I'll be able to touch it whenever I want." So I finish my description and he seems very odd. He blurts out, "I can't believe you just said that." So I, rather perplexed, say, "what, you mean boob?" I get an affirmative response and then this guy goes from, 'you are my soul mate, I want us to get to know each other in a deep and meaningful way' to 'uh, I have to run, bye'. He practically runs away. I'm left rather amused. Seriously, you couldn't handle me saying "boob"? What kind of guy are you? Hell, a friend of mine's husband practically drools if he hears that word. And I don't think he's the only one. So I'm thinking that I should use "boob" as a screening tool. Every person I meet from now on, young or old, male or female, I will use that word and if they run screaming I will be relieved to be rid of them without further adieu.